The Fraudulent Times – Deception You Can Depend On
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“Bona Fide Academic” Flexes His Intellectual Superiority by Deferring to the “Experts”
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local professor Dr. Jonathan Pembroke, an esteemed scholar with an impressive tenure at Northridge University, demonstrated his towering intellectual prowess yet again this week by masterfully refusing to have an opinion, instead choosing to “defer to the experts.” “In today’s world, with so much misinformation, it’s important to listen to those who…
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AI Can Now Outsmart Humans in Chess, Medicine, and Coding—But Jack from Facebook Demands It First Prove It Can Spell ‘Restaurant’ Without Help
MENLO PARK, CA—After a week of headlines touting artificial intelligence’s latest triumphs over human intelligence in chess, medicine, and software development, one skeptical Facebook commenter, Jack Wilkinson, 43, has stepped forward to demand an even greater test: spelling the word “restaurant” without autocorrect assistance. “Look, I don’t care if your fancy computer can find a…
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“Here in My Bankruptcy”: Tai Lopez Teaches You How to Fail Up
Self-Proclaimed Business Guru Now Selling ‘The 67 Steps to Losing Millions’ LOS ANGELES—Infamous Lamborghini enthusiast and self-help connoisseur Tai Lopez has unveiled his latest revolutionary course, “The 67 Steps to Losing Millions and Still Flexing Like a Boss.” Lopez, best known for his “Here in my garage” ad—where he stood next to a rented Lambo…
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Orange Man Fails to Sell Out National Resources—Analysts Question His Commitment to Corruption
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking departure from standard operating procedure, President Donald Trump has reportedly not signed a lucrative mineral rights deal that would have sold off vast reserves of rare earth elements to a foreign conglomerate. The move—or rather, lack thereof—has stunned political observers, who long assumed he would eagerly exchange America’s subterranean…
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This Just In: OpenAI Releases ChatGPT-4.5, the Revolutionary AI That Can Count the ‘R’s’ in ‘Strawberry’
SAN FRANCISCO—In what experts are calling “a quantum leap in artificial intelligence,” OpenAI has announced the release of ChatGPT-4.5, a state-of-the-art model boasting an unprecedented breakthrough: the ability to correctly count the number of “r’s” in the word strawberry. “This represents a paradigm shift in AI capabilities,” said OpenAI spokesperson Dana Caldwell during an emergency…
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Tech Giant Announces Bold 7-Day Workweek After “Overwhelmingly Positive” Response to Forced Office Return
Executives at AlwaysOn Technologies have unveiled a revolutionary new policy that will see employees clocking in every day of the week. Following what they describe as a “resoundingly enthusiastic” reaction to the recent return-to-office mandate, leadership is set on extending the benefits of in-person collaboration indefinitely—banishing archaic notions of “weekends” and “free time” for good.…
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Amazon Boldly Announces 17 New AWS Services, Confident No One Understands the Last 400
Seattle, WA — In a dazzling display of technological supremacy, Amazon Web Services (AWS) proudly announced the launch of 17 new services this week, continuing its long-standing tradition of overwhelming the industry with an impenetrable wall of cloud-based jargon. Among the new offerings are AWS Hyperscale Quantum Blockchain Elastic Synergy (HSQBES), AWS Serverless AI-Powered Kubernetes…
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Like a Senile 86-Year-Old Grandpa, Local Software Engineer Insists AI Isn’t Real
BOISE, ID— While advancements in artificial intelligence have revolutionized industries worldwide, local software engineer Mark Fielding, 34, has taken a bold stance against the technology’s existence, mirroring the logic and temperament of a confused 86-year-old grandfather ranting at the dinner table. “Oh sure, they say it’s artificial intelligence,” Fielding declared loudly in the middle of…
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