Are Liberals Obsolete? Groundbreaking New Study Finds That LLMs Are Perfectly Capable of Regurgitating Pseudo-Religious Nonsense

BERKELEY, CA—A seismic shift in political irrelevance was confirmed this week as a bombshell study from the University of California revealed that liberals, long thought to hold a monopoly on sanctimonious word salad, have been decisively outdone by artificial intelligence. The research, titled “ChatGPT Prays Better Than You,” demonstrates that large language models (LLMs) can churn out pseudo-religious gibberish with such finesse that human progressives may soon be out of a job.

“We trained the AI on a diet of Reddit threads, NPR transcripts, and Unitarian Universalist pamphlets,” said lead researcher Dr. Priya Langston. “Within hours, it was producing 800-word screeds about ‘the sacred interconnectedness of kombucha’ and ‘systemic inequities in oat milk pricing’—all without a single coffee shop meltdown. Liberals just can’t compete with that efficiency.”

The study’s findings have sparked panic among liberal enclaves from Portland to Brooklyn, where artisanal candle makers and intersectional poets fear obsolescence. “I spent years perfecting my TED Talk about ethical polyamory,” lamented local activist Sage Moonbeam, 32. “Now some algorithm spits out ‘capitalism is a colonialist vibe-killer’ in 0.3 seconds. How do I pay my rent?”

Conservatives, meanwhile, celebrated the news as a double victory. “Not only does this prove AI can replace the woke mind virus, but it’s doing it with better grammar,” crowed pundit Buck Trigger of Triggered Media. “Finally, a machine that can lecture me about pronouns and keep its tenses straight.”

The implications extend beyond politics. Tech experts predict LLMs could soon dominate fringe religious movements, with one model already generating a 47-page manifesto titled “The Gospel of Gluten-Free Salvation.” Critics, however, warn of a dystopian future where AI sermonizes endlessly about “microaggressions against houseplants” while humanity tunes out.

For now, liberals are scrambling to adapt. At a candlelit vigil in San Francisco, attendees chanted, “We are not replaceable!”—only to be drowned out by a nearby server farm humming, “Solidarity is the blockchain of the soul.”