Tag: Satire
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Windsor Castle Hires Defense Consultant to Counter Future Projections of American Democracy in Decline
Windsor, UK – In a move described as “cautiously strategic,” Windsor Castle has announced the hiring of a prominent defense consultant to advise on potential impacts to the British monarchy stemming from projected declines in American democracy. The royal household confirmed the appointment in a press release early Monday morning, emphasizing the appropriateness of “forward-looking…
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Blue Jays Defy Physics and Baseball Norms, Attribute Victory to New Quantum Umpire Technology
Toronto, ON – The Toronto Blue Jays stunned baseball fans and physicists alike last night by clinching a 23-2 victory over the Seattle Mariners. Players credited their success to Major League Baseball’s recent installation of Quantum Umpire technology, an AI-driven officiating system said to make “probabilistic” calls in order to reflect the true uncertainty at…
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Trump Files Lawsuit Against Reality, Accuses It of Defamation and Intentional Infliction of Facts
Palm Beach, FL – Former President Donald J. Trump has filed a lawsuit against Reality, accusing it of defamation and the intentional infliction of facts, according to court documents obtained Thursday. The complaint, lodged in the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Florida, claims that Reality has engaged in a pattern of “malicious…
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George Santos Unveils New Lawsuit Against Reality for Slandering His Fictional Universe
Albany, NY – Former Representative George Santos filed a sweeping lawsuit against “objective reality” on Thursday, citing alleged “deliberate misrepresentation and malicious slander” of the alternate universe in which he says he achieves most of his accomplishments. The 147-page brief, hand-delivered to the Albany County Court in a manila folder covered in glitter, names Reality…
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LSU Coach Unveils Revolutionary Strategy: Winning Games by Losing Them First
Baton Rouge, LA – Louisiana State University’s head football coach, Raymond “Skeeter” Falwell, announced Thursday a radical new approach to collegiate athletics: losing games intentionally as a groundbreaking pathway to future victories. The strategy, codenamed “Lose to Win,” will debut at the Tigers’ season opener, where the team reportedly plans to fall behind by at…
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Disgraced Ex-Defense Chief Claims Marine’s Death Was Merely a “Tactical Casualty” in His Personal War Against Accountability
Washington, D.C. – Former Secretary of Defense Martin “Marty” Denholm broke nearly six months of public silence yesterday to address concerns regarding the 2023 training incident involving the late Corporal Garrett Schulte. Amid inquiries into his role, Denholm described the Marine’s demise as “not a loss, but a necessary tactical casualty” in his “ongoing personal…
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Revolutionary Restaurant Concept “Bring Your Own Lunch” Stuns Customers With Its Refreshing Commitment to Not Interfering
BROOKLYN, NY — At a time when restaurants everywhere are burdening customers with complicated menus, unpredictable flavors, and the constant anxiety of whether or not the chef remembered to hold the onions, Williamsburg’s newest culinary hotspot BYOL: Bring Your Own Lunch is earning rave reviews for its radical restraint. Rather than inserting itself into the…
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Marine Biologists Applaud New Underwater ‘Luxury Resorts’ as Fish Express Mild Confusion at Complimentary Mini Bar
**Marine Biologists Applaud New Underwater ‘Luxury Resorts’ as Fish Express Mild Confusion at Complimentary Mini Bar** ATLANTIS, THE DEPTHS—Amidst growing concerns about climate change and its impact on marine habitats, marine biologists have found themselves resoundingly supportive of a new initiative. The revolutionary project introduces “Luxury Resorts” aimed at the underwater community, claiming to merge…
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Pakistani Government Announces New Law Mandating Public Confusion Over Every Leadership Statement
ISLAMABAD — In a groundbreaking move described by critics as both baffling and redundant, the Pakistani government officially declared a new law requiring all citizens to experience mandatory confusion following every statement made by the country’s leaders. The “Consistent Cognitive Dissonance Act” was unanimously approved by the National Assembly late Tuesday evening. The law mandates…