“Bona Fide Academic” Flexes His Intellectual Superiority by Deferring to the “Experts”

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Local professor Dr. Jonathan Pembroke, an esteemed scholar with an impressive tenure at Northridge University, demonstrated his towering intellectual prowess yet again this week by masterfully refusing to have an opinion, instead choosing to “defer to the experts.”

“In today’s world, with so much misinformation, it’s important to listen to those who really know what they’re talking about,” said Pembroke, whose commitment to intellectual humility is rivaled only by his insufferable need to remind everyone of it. “I wouldn’t dream of making a claim outside my area of expertise, which, I should note, is quite extensive.”

Observers report that Pembroke employs his signature rhetorical maneuver—a slow, condescending nod followed by the phrase, ‘Well, I trust the experts on this one’—in nearly every conversation, subtly implying that anyone with an independent thought is a reckless amateur endangering civilization itself.

“Jonathan’s ability to never actually say anything while simultaneously asserting his dominance in a conversation is truly remarkable,” said Dr. Elaine Marsh, a fellow academic who has spent years trapped in faculty meetings with him. “He won’t even speculate on the weather without citing a meteorologist, but not before reminding you that his take aligns with the best scientific consensus available.”

Pembroke’s method of intellectual jousting was on full display at a recent dinner party, where guests engaged in a lively discussion about artificial intelligence. When pressed for his thoughts, Pembroke stroked his chin before coolly remarking, “I’d hate to step outside my field, but I think we should listen to the AI researchers who’ve dedicated their lives to this issue.” His statement was reportedly met with awed silence, as everyone else at the table realized they had foolishly attempted to discuss a topic without a PhD in it.

Despite his devotion to deferring, Pembroke remains a staunch advocate for his own academic expertise. “When it comes to post-structuralist literary theory, I expect my views to be respected,” he stated. “But when it comes to, say, public health, I know my place. That’s why I let Dr. Fauci—or whoever holds that role now—do my thinking for me. And I think that shows real intelligence.”

According to students, Pembroke has been known to enforce his deference policy in the classroom as well. Junior English major Rachel Stevens recalled asking him if he thought Shakespeare intended King Lear to be a commentary on power. “He just smiled and said, ‘Well, Harold Bloom had a lot to say about that, and I wouldn’t dare contradict him.’ Then he docked me points for drawing my own conclusion.”

Though widely respected for his restraint, some critics argue that Pembroke’s constant deferral to authority is actually a strategy to avoid having to make difficult or controversial statements.

“At some point, you have to wonder if he has any opinions at all,” said Dr. Marsh. “But I suppose I should leave that question to the philosophers.”