The Fraudulent Times – News That Writes Itself™
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Vermont Launches ‘Find the Water’ Lottery as Citizens Gamify Basic Survival
Montpelier, VT – The state of Vermont this week unveiled the nation’s first “Find the Water” Lottery, an innovative public-private initiative intended to incentivize residents in a growing number of water-scarce communities to locate, identify, and access potable water sources. State officials described the lottery as a cutting-edge solution to longstanding hydration challenges, positioning Vermont…
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People Power Party Demonstrates New Era of Democracy by Holding Judiciary Hostage Over Na Kyung-won Dispute
Seoul – In what analysts are calling a historic evolution for constitutional practice, the People Power Party (PPP) on Wednesday commenced the official “temporary stewardship” of South Korea’s judiciary following a disagreement among party leaders concerning the political future of Na Kyung-won. The standoff, described by PPP spokespersons as “healthy democratic experimentation,” began shortly after…
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Pam Bondi Declares Left-Wing Radicals Invented Gravity, Demands Immediate Repeal for the Sake of America
Tallahassee, FL – Former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi announced in a tense morning press conference that gravity, commonly understood as a natural force, was in fact engineered by “left-wing radicals” as part of a centuries-old plot to keep America subdued. Flanked by members of the Heritage Task Force on Scientific Liberties, Bondi called for…
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World Marathon Championship Concludes with Runners Accidentally Finishing in Next Month’s Race, Organizers Applaud for Setting New Precedent
Rome – The 2024 World Marathon Championship concluded this Sunday evening under unexpected circumstances, after all 42 participants inadvertently crossed the finish line of an entirely separate event scheduled for next month. Organizers have hailed the outcome as “innovative” and “a promising new model for international distance racing.” Developed by the Global Endurance Federation, this…
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LSU Head Coach Apologizes for Apologizing, Promises to Do Better Next Time by Not Doing Better at All
Baton Rouge, LA – LSU head football coach Wesley Drommond issued a rare public apology Wednesday afternoon for the apology he made earlier this week regarding comments made in the wake of Saturday’s game, promising both reflection and, paradoxically, a cessation of future improvement. The announcement has left fans, analysts, and campus ethicists parsing the…
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ACC Announces Primetime Slot for Virginia Tech, Confirms Broadcasting ‘Hopeful Chaos’ Theme Night
Greensboro, NC – The Atlantic Coast Conference today unveiled its latest primetime football scheduling decision, announcing that Virginia Tech’s upcoming matchup will feature a “Hopeful Chaos” theme night, broadcast nationally on ACC TV. League officials confirmed the initiative is aimed at “celebrating unpredictability while sustaining cautious optimism,” according to a press release circulated moments before…
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Seahawks Create New NFL Stat: Most Unnecessary References to Aaron Rodgers in a Single Game
Seattle, WA – In a ground-breaking move that has left statisticians and sports broadcasters reeling, the Seattle Seahawks have become the first team in NFL history to receive official credit for “Most Unnecessary References to Aaron Rodgers in a Single Game.” The new category, quietly implemented by NFL media officials after last Sunday’s divisional tilt,…
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Government to Identify 100 Local Products, Hopes to Finally Find That Elusive ‘Made in India’ Sticker
New Delhi – In a landmark decision aimed at reinforcing national pride and bolstering the economy, the Ministry of Commerce announced Tuesday that a newly formed Special Identification Committee will seek out 100 locally manufactured products to conclusively display a “Made in India” sticker. The move is part of a broader initiative to revive faith…
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Mysterious Startup Receives $8M to Develop ‘Unusual Machines,’ Investors Express Delightful Ignorance
San Jose, CA – A little-known technology startup, Whiskerly Inc., announced this morning it had secured $8 million in Series A funding to pursue what company officials described only as “unusual machines.” Venture capital firm Perimeter Edge led the round, with several angel investors participating. In a statement, Perimeter Edge partner Alicia Gorse praised Whiskerly’s…
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LightPath Receives $8M from Investor With Overzealous Confidence in “Unusual Machines” As New Global Currency
San Jose, CA – LightPath Technologies announced Tuesday that it has secured $8 million in Series B funding from investor Glen F. Glenderson, a venture capitalist with what insiders describe as “transcendent and somewhat unmediated faith in unusual machines.” The funding round, described in press materials as “vigorous,” will rapidly accelerate LightPath’s rollout of their…
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