MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a stunning display of humility, former President Donald J. Trump announced today that he is “far and away” superior to both George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, citing his “unbelievable” poll numbers, “perfect” presidency, and his self-proclaimed ability to cut down a cherry tree but still deny it.
“Look, Washington? Great guy, fine guy, but let’s be honest, he never had to deal with fake news like I did,” Trump told a group of devoted supporters while standing in front of a velvet painting of himself riding a bald eagle. “And Lincoln? Some say he was the best, but did he get 74 million votes? No. I did. I win.”
Trump, who has previously claimed he ranks among the greatest presidents of all time, took his self-assessment to new levels. “Washington won a war, sure, but I took on the deep state, which, frankly, much tougher. And Lincoln? He freed the slaves, but I freed the people from low energy Jeb, Crooked Hillary, and the radical left. Same thing, really.”
Historical scholars were quick to respond. “This is, uh, unhinged,” said Dr. Robert Latham, a historian at Yale University. “Washington founded a nation. Lincoln preserved it. Trump… launched a social media platform that can’t seem to function properly.”
Undeterred by facts, Trump continued, stating that if he had been at the Continental Congress, the Constitution “would have been much stronger” and would have included “many more mentions of Trump.” He also speculated that Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address would have been “even better” had it included the phrase “Make America Great Again.”
Trump’s campaign team quickly released a new line of merchandise featuring a Mount Rushmore redesign with his face replacing all others. Meanwhile, President Joe Biden, when asked about Trump’s comments, responded, “Come on, man,” before trailing off into an unrelated anecdote about trains.
As of press time, Trump was reportedly considering declaring himself the best pope in history, despite never having served in the clergy.
English
Leave a Reply