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SXSW Pedestrian Infrastructure Deemed Insufficient for Annual Convergence of People Who Have Never Walked Before
City engineers confirmed Tuesday that Austin’s sidewalk network cannot accommodate the estimated 47,000 festival attendees who appear to have developed bipedal locomotion specifically for their visit to South by Southwest. The crisis became apparent when emergency medical teams reported treating 312 cases of “acute directional confusion” and 89 instances of individuals attempting to hail rideshares…
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New SXSW Event Lets Attendees Dispose of Free Stuff Directly Into Lady Bird Lake
The South by Southwest Music Conference unveiled its newest sustainability initiative Tuesday, installing a series of pneumatic disposal chutes that transport unwanted promotional items directly from the Austin Convention Center into Lady Bird Lake at a rate of 47 branded tote bags per minute. Festival organizers report the system has already processed over 12,000 stress…
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Crown Succession Act Amended to Credit ‘Demonstrated Global Relationships’ — Andrew Jumps to Second in Line
In a historic move, the Crown Succession Act has been amended to include “demonstrated global relationships” as a key criterion for determining the line of succession, catapulting Prince Andrew to second in line to the throne. This unexpected adjustment comes after an intense parliamentary session where the significance of international social connections was debated with…
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Reality Show Contestant Shocked to Discover Scripted Drama in Real Life
In an unprecedented twist, reality show contestant Jake Thompson expressed genuine disbelief upon learning that the scripted drama he experienced on the show “Married at First Sight” has disturbingly permeated his everyday life. Thompson, who gained notoriety for his tearful confessionals and orchestrated spats, now finds himself embroiled in a real-world saga he never anticipated.…
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Woman Wins Award for Worst Airbnb Host Ever as officials call it “a measured success”
The prestigious Global Hospitality Coalition has announced its latest recipient for the title of “Worst Airbnb Host Ever,” celebrating the unparalleled achievements of one Margaret Henson of Topeka, Kansas. Henson, whose guest accommodations include the uniquely unsettling absence of beds and the consistent presence of a live goat, was recognized for her innovative approach to…
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School Introduces New ‘No Stabbing’ Policy After Recent Incident
In an unprecedented move, the administration of East Whittling High School has announced a groundbreaking “No Stabbing” policy following a recent incident involving a student wielding a historically accurate Roman gladius replica during lunch hour. The policy, which is expected to be rolled out over the next fiscal quarter, aims to reduce the number of…
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Driver Resigns as Head of Traffic Safety Board After Temple Incident
In a surprising turn of events, John Driver, the esteemed Head of the National Traffic Safety Board, has resigned following an incident involving a self-driving car mistaking a Michigan synagogue for a parking garage. The vehicle, which was reportedly operating on a beta version of the “Navigate with Faith” software, attempted to parallel park itself…
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Oil Prices Surge as Experts Announce New Strategy: Guessing
In a groundbreaking move, the Global Petroleum Consortium has adopted a revolutionary new strategy to manage oil prices: the ancient art of guessing. This bold initiative was unveiled during their annual summit held in a luxurious hotel with an undisclosed location, where delegates unanimously agreed that traditional methods of market analysis were “overrated and frankly…
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UK Troops Mistake Delivery Drones for Incoming Threats; Pizza Delayed
In an unexpected twist of military ingenuity, UK troops stationed at a remote base in Iraq have reportedly engaged in a series of defensive maneuvers against what were initially perceived as hostile drones. Upon closer inspection, however, the objects were identified as delivery drones belonging to local pizzerias, carrying anything from pepperoni to pineapple-topped pizzas.…
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OpenAI dramatically reveals that GPT actually stands for gallons per terraflop
In a stunning announcement that has left the tech world recalibrating their expectations, OpenAI has clarified that GPT, the term widely believed to stand for Generative Pre-trained Transformer, actually denotes “gallons per terraflop,” a completely arbitrary measure of computational efficiency. This revelation emerged during an annual conference where OpenAI’s technical director, Dr. Susan Hargrave, unveiled…
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