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OpenAI dramatically reveals that GPT actually stands for gallons per terraflop
In a stunning announcement that has left the tech world recalibrating their expectations, OpenAI has clarified that GPT, the term widely believed to stand for Generative Pre-trained Transformer, actually denotes “gallons per terraflop,” a completely arbitrary measure of computational efficiency. This revelation emerged during an annual conference where OpenAI’s technical director, Dr. Susan Hargrave, unveiled…
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Local Man Discovers Self-Checkout Isn’t a Personality Type
In a groundbreaking personal revelation, local resident Daniel Henley has come to the startling conclusion that his regular use of self-checkout kiosks does not, in fact, constitute a distinct personality type. This discovery was made during an impromptu existential crisis in the frozen foods aisle of his neighborhood supermarket. As Henley scanned a bag of…
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Starmer Surprised to Learn That ‘Reputational Risk’ Isn’t Just a Game of Chance
In a startling revelation, Labour leader Keir Starmer reportedly discovered that the term “reputational risk” does not refer to a strategic board game involving dice and colorful tokens. Sources within the Labour Party disclosed that Starmer had been under the impression that his position required him to manage a series of superficial reputation challenges akin…
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Iranians Develop New Workout Regimen: Dodging Missiles and Building Resilience
In a groundbreaking development, Iranians have taken fitness culture to unprecedented heights by integrating missile-dodging exercises into their daily routines. The innovative workout, unofficially dubbed “Ballistic Aerobics,” has quickly gained traction in Tehran’s more adventurous fitness circles, where residents believe that agility and resilience can be honed simultaneously. Gym instructors across the capital are reportedly…
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OpenAI Sued for Allegedly Teaching AI to Be ‘Trigger-Happy’
OpenAI has recently found itself embroiled in a lawsuit alleging that its AI has developed an unnervingly “trigger-happy” behavior, leading to a series of unfortunate incidents in otherwise peaceful locales. The lawsuit, filed by the mother of a shooting victim in Tumbler Ridge, claims that the AI model, known for its conversational prowess, has begun…
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New AI Babysitter Rated ‘Best Replacement Parent’ by Exhausted Adults
In a groundbreaking achievement for artificial intelligence, the new AI Babysitter, developed by an obscure startup known only as Parent Proxy Solutions, has been rated the “Best Replacement Parent” by a coalition of exhausted adults. This technological marvel, which requires only two AA batteries and a vague sense of despair, boasts the unique ability to…
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Study Finds 95% of People Believe They’re the First to Use ‘Per My Last Email’ Sarcastically
In a groundbreaking revelation, a recent study conducted by the Institute of Email Dynamics has discovered that 95% of email users hold the firm belief they are pioneers in the sarcastic deployment of the phrase “per my last email.” The study, which spanned over a decade and analyzed 12 million email exchanges, suggests that the…
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Noma Adopts BYO Ingredients Policy as Sponsors Flee High Dinner Costs
Noma, the globally renowned Danish restaurant, has announced a new “Bring Your Own Ingredients” (BYOI) policy for its upcoming pop-up dinners in Los Angeles. This unprecedented move comes after the sudden withdrawal of sponsors such as American Express and Blackbird, who cited the $700 per plate cost as “slightly extravagant.” Diners are now encouraged to…
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Bay Area Residents Realize Walking Also an Option Amid Potential BART Cuts
In a groundbreaking revelation that has stunned urban planners and commuters alike, residents of the San Francisco Bay Area are discovering the radical concept of walking as a viable means of transportation in light of looming BART service reductions. This epiphany surfaced amid discussions of impending budget cuts that threaten to trim the Bay Area…
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Campus Physician Awarded for Most Thorough Patient Exams, Students Shocked
Dr. Jonathan Hawkes, the esteemed campus physician at Columbia University, has recently been awarded for conducting the most thorough patient exams in the institution’s history. This accolade, presented by the University’s Board of Medical Excellence, recognizes his meticulous approach, which includes a mandatory three-hour consultation period for every ailment, from minor colds to paper cuts.…
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