WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking departure from standard operating procedure, President Donald Trump has reportedly not signed a lucrative mineral rights deal that would have sold off vast reserves of rare earth elements to a foreign conglomerate. The move—or rather, lack thereof—has stunned political observers, who long assumed he would eagerly exchange America’s subterranean wealth for personal gain.
“This is deeply unsettling,” said political analyst Bryce Cavanaugh. “If he’s not engaging in self-enrichment through resource exploitation, we have to wonder: Does he even believe in capitalism anymore?“
The deal in question, proposed by an undisclosed mining corporation with extensive ties to multiple offshore tax havens, was expected to net billions in profits while providing absolutely no benefits to American workers. It was the kind of agreement that political historians have described as “a perfect fit for a man of his particular business acumen,” yet, for reasons that remain unclear, Trump simply walked away.
“It’s not just disappointing,” said one anonymous lobbyist. “It’s an existential crisis. We had already budgeted millions in bribes—er, campaign donations—for this. Now what am I supposed to do? Spend it on actual policies?”
Theories Abound
Theories as to why Trump didn’t sign the deal range from “he simply forgot” to “he was waiting for a larger bribe that never materialized.” Others speculate he may not have fully understood the contract, given that it contained words longer than six letters.
“Normally, when a deal is so comically one-sided in favor of the rich, he’s all in,” noted corporate historian Dr. Linda Pershing. “So for him to reject it? We have to assume he was either misinformed, distracted, or someone involved actually expected him to read it.”
Adding to the confusion, sources close to Trump claim he was enthusiastic about the deal before learning that the minerals were located in the United States. “He assumed we were taking resources from some other country,” said one White House aide. “When we told him it was our land, he got suspicious.”
A Terrifying Precedent
Experts warn that this act of non-corruption could set a dangerous precedent. “What if future leaders start thinking twice before selling off public assets to private corporations?” asked political strategist Grant Holloway. “This could fundamentally disrupt our entire system of governance.”
Meanwhile, international investors are rattled. “We trusted America to always put profits ahead of people,” lamented an executive at a global commodities firm. “If even Trump isn’t willing to cash out on his own country, how can we rely on anyone?”
For now, Americans are left wondering what this means for the future of corruption in the United States. Will other politicians follow suit and not engage in blatant profiteering? Will lobbyists have to work twice as hard to erode public trust?
“All I know is, I don’t recognize this country anymore,” said one disillusioned CEO. “And that terrifies me.”
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