“Here in My Bankruptcy”: Tai Lopez Teaches You How to Fail Up

Self-Proclaimed Business Guru Now Selling ‘The 67 Steps to Losing Millions’

LOS ANGELES—Infamous Lamborghini enthusiast and self-help connoisseur Tai Lopez has unveiled his latest revolutionary course, “The 67 Steps to Losing Millions and Still Flexing Like a Boss.”

Lopez, best known for his “Here in my garage” ad—where he stood next to a rented Lambo and pretended that reading books somehow made him rich—has reportedly shifted his expertise from selling knowledge to acquiring failing businesses. This strategic pivot follows his recent acquisitions of defunct retailers like Pier 1, Dressbarn, and Modell’s, prompting critics to wonder if his next investment will be Blockbuster or the Roman Empire.

From Knowledge to Liquidation

“I used to sell knowledge,” Lopez explained in a hastily filmed TikTok, standing in front of a warehouse full of unsold Pier 1 Imports furniture. “But then I thought… why sell knowledge when I can just sell companies that no one wants?”

The business guru’s new “E-Commerce Empire” mentorship program promises to teach aspiring entrepreneurs how to buy struggling brands, slap a Shopify store on them, and pray that nostalgia alone keeps them afloat. The course costs $5,997, or three easy payments of your dignity.

67 Steps to a Failed Business

According to leaked course materials, Lopez’s “67 Steps to Losing Millions” includes such groundbreaking advice as:

• Step 4: Flex on social media so people think you’re successful
• Step 12: Buy businesses nobody wants and pretend it’s a genius move
• Step 32: Sell courses on how to get rich without actually doing anything
• Step 55: If things go south, just blame the algorithm
• Step 67: Declare bankruptcy, start over, and sell a new course on “reinventing yourself”

What’s Next?

Insiders suggest Lopez is eyeing the acquisition of RadioShack, MySpace, and perhaps the concept of physical currency itself. When asked about future ventures, Lopez smirked, adjusted his reading glasses, and said, “You see, it’s not about what you own, it’s about what people think you own.”

Meanwhile, financial analysts predict that Lopez’s strategy of buying doomed brands and pretending it’s genius will last approximately as long as the attention span of the average Instagram user.

For those interested in not being scammed, The Fraudulent Times recommends investing in literally anything else.