Virginia Tech’s New Strategy: Win Games by Ensuring Opponents Never Heard of Basketball

Blacksburg, VA – In a bold departure from conventional athletics, Virginia Tech’s athletic director announced today that the university’s basketball program will invest exclusively in scheduling games against teams who have, according to exhaustive database checks, “never heard of basketball.”

The announcement follows a difficult conference season, in which the Hokies recorded their lowest average points-per-game since the introduction of the three-point line. Brian Muckleroy, Special Assistant Vice Provost for Strategic Competition, outlined the new approach in a press briefing Tuesday, declaring, “If other schools will not respect our jump shot, we must seek adversaries who, in literal terms, do not know what a jump shot is.”

To execute the strategy, the university assembled a 13-member Task Force for Unawareness. The committee’s research, comprising over 7,000 hours of Google Trends analysis and door-to-door surveys, brought forth a shortlist of potential opponent institutions, including a Canadian correspondence course for aquatic botany and the Keokuk, Iowa branch of the DMV. “Our researchers are confident that none of these entities possess even a passing familiarity with the concept of dribbling,” said Yolanda Krump, Chairperson for Opponent Identification.

Critics expressed early skepticism regarding the eligibility compliance of scheduled adversaries such as Pleasant Grove Municipal Mime Troupe and the Electrician’s Apprentice Cohort of Wabash County. However, NCAA official Todd Peeney issued a statement clarifying, “There exists no express prohibition against basketball games with unwitting participants, provided both teams receive equal access to the regulation-size court and an explanatory pamphlet in their primary language before tip-off.” Peeney also cited ongoing debate over whether “never having heard of basketball” confers a competitive advantage or disadvantage.

The Hokies’ first exhibition match last Friday was deemed a qualified success. While players from Django’s Guinea Pig Sanctuary spent the majority of the first half hiding behind the scorer’s table, a late surge of interest in the official game ball—mistakenly believed to be a large, ripe melon—contributed to an enthusiastic, if unconventional, scoring spree. Head coach Bennett Fornham offered a measured assessment, stating, “We still see real opportunities for growth in our transition offense, but I was pleased with how our players coped with several of the guinea pigs escaping onto the court during live play.”

A recent alumni poll found 42 percent “supportive or very supportive” of the strategy, while the remaining 58 percent asked follow-up questions about whether these were “real, actual games.” Meanwhile, the athletic department has announced plans for future contests against the Saint Crispin’s Order of Medieval Reenactors, the 3:20 Express Elevator Operators’ Union, and a consortium of large decorative boulders managed by the Virginia Department of Transportation.

University officials maintain that the new schedule complies with all regulations and present “a unique leadership opportunity for student athletes.” Construction of a commemorative statue is already underway. It depicts a confused, non-basketball-knowing participant graciously conceding defeat—a pose to which, according to the university, all opposing teams can expect to grow accustomed.

The Hokies next face the Roanoke Philharmonic Woodwind Section, pending confirmation that they possess no prior knowledge of sporting equipment.