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Tech CEOs Admit to Embezzlement for Tax Purposes, Insist It’s Just Good Business Strategy
San Francisco, CA – In a coordinated announcement early Wednesday, several of America’s leading tech CEOs admitted to systematic embezzlement of company funds, arguing that the practice is an “overlooked but powerful” tax optimization strategy. The press conference, hosted in a Palo Alto co-working space decorated with reclaimed bitcoin servers, drew executives from eight Fortune…
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Nation Holds Breath as Government Shutdown Threatens to Finally Prove Middle Management is Non-Essential
Washington, D.C. – As federal agencies brace for the midnight deadline that could shut down nonessential operations, economists and management consultants nationwide are nervously monitoring what they call “the greatest natural experiment in American middle management since the invention of PowerPoint.” Several White House senior staffers reportedly spent the morning tabulating which agencies’ custodial, front-line,…
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Tyra Banks Unveils Revolutionary “Cold Hot Sauce” as World Prepares for Culinary Paradox Pandemic
Los Angeles, CA – Supermodel-entrepreneur Tyra Banks announced the launch of “Cold Hot Sauce” this Monday, inviting fans, food scientists, and public health officials alike to reckon with what she calls a “tangible flavor paradox.” Speaking in front of an installation featuring snowmen sweating beside bowls of jalapeños, Banks described her invention as “a sauce…
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New Study Links Rising Tide of Misinformation to Increased Chance of Flat Earth Belief by Age 5
Cambridge, MA – A sweeping new study from the International Institute for Cognitive Clarity suggests a startling correlation between children’s early exposure to online misinformation and a surging belief in a flat Earth before kindergarten age. Researchers say the pattern is “statistically significant, epistemologically concerning, and geometrically regressive.” Drawing on data collected from over 40,000…
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Galactic Chain Letters Spotted in Space, Scientists Bracing for Cosmic Pyramid Scheme to Begin
Cape Canaveral, FL – Astronomers at the Deep Sky Correspondence Facility reported Tuesday that a series of anomalous, repetitive radio transmissions are circulating across the Orion Arm, bearing what experts now fear are the first documented cases of galactic chain letters. The transmissions, deciphered late Monday evening, instruct receivers to “forward this message to ten…
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Government Unveils Plans for World’s Largest Stadium in Middle of Nowhere, Forgets About Roads to Get There
Wyoming Plains – The Department of Megaprojects announced Monday the approval of “The WySphere,” a 300,000-seat multipurpose stadium slated for construction in the center of the American Steppe, seventy miles from the nearest paved road. Officials lauded the development as “a revolutionary commitment to sporting excellence and regional transformation,” though logistical plans have drawn early…
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Ex-NFL Star’s New Charity ‘Touchdowns for Traffickers’ Raises Funds and Eyebrows
Dallas, TX – Former All-Pro linebacker Mark “Crusher” Callahan unveiled his latest philanthropic venture this week, launching ‘Touchdowns for Traffickers,’ a charity he says is “dedicated to bringing high-scoring support to the world’s most hustling entrepreneurs.” The non-profit, registered Monday with the state of Texas, has already raised over $1.2 million in pledges, according to…
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NFL Network Implements New Social Media Policy: Analysts Allowed Only to Endorse Obsolete Products Like Rotary Phones and VCRs
New York, NY – In a move designed to “preserve dignity” and “return focus to the core mission,” the NFL Network announced Tuesday a sweeping new social media policy restricting its analysts to publicly endorsing only obsolete consumer products, such as rotary phones, VHS players, and discontinued cereal brands. The network’s Social Cohesion Committee released…
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Germany Introduces New Citizenship Path: 10-Year Pantomime of Proving You’re Not a Time-Traveling Habsburg
Berlin – The German Interior Ministry has unveiled a new pathway to citizenship this week: a decade-long surveillance program requiring applicants to silently demonstrate, through pantomime, that they are not clandestine temporal infiltrators from the defunct House of Habsburg. Officials described the measure as “a necessary evolution in national security frameworks,” following months of closed-door…
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Government Announces New ‘Stay Sick’ Initiative to Boost Local Economy as Citizens Flock Overseas for Cures
Washington, D.C. – The Department of Health and Commercial Affairs unveiled a sweeping new policy measure Friday, the ‘Stay Sick’ Initiative, intended to stimulate domestic economic growth by encouraging citizens with treatable ailments to forgo recovery and, in the words of Secretary Nelson Draft, “keep their dollars circulating right here at home, along with their…
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