Cambridge, MA – A sweeping new study from the International Institute for Cognitive Clarity suggests a startling correlation between children’s early exposure to online misinformation and a surging belief in a flat Earth before kindergarten age. Researchers say the pattern is “statistically significant, epistemologically concerning, and geometrically regressive.”
Drawing on data collected from over 40,000 child-watching household webcams and neural telemetry devices, the report found that 38% of American five-year-olds currently believe the Earth is flat, a substantial increase from just 4% a decade prior. “Our models indicate direct exposure to persistent misinformation streams such as algorithmically suggested cartoons and prank ‘science’ videos,” explained Dr. Fedora Bliss, lead author. “In controlled experiments, toddlers were twice as likely to doubt the existence of gravity if Peppa Pig contradicted it three episodes in a row.”
The Misinformation-Faith Transmission Committee, convened by the Department of Education, has called the findings “deeply troubling but not entirely unexpected.” Their ten-volume interim report suggests that many children are encountering contradicting broadcasts: for every factual NASA children’s show, there are at least seven viral puppet skits in which characters walk to the planet’s edge and drop biscuits into the void. “We recently tracked a spike in toddler curiosity about Antarctic ice walls,” Deputy Committee Chair Morton Figgins said, referencing the rising trend of ‘expedition’ play involving living room barriers and forbidden lampshades.
The Federal Board of Early Truths is now piloting corrective school programs, including Globe Appreciation Hour and round-Earth themed snacks. However, researchers warn this may achieve little if parents continue sharing bedtime stories reimagined by anonymous forum commenters. Already, the panel has documented instances of homeschooling curricula replaced wholesale by user-generated rhymes, one reportedly teaching, “The world is like a pizza tray—don’t let your crayons roll away.”
Industry reaction has remained mixed. The Association for Spherical Reasoning issued a statement reminding consumers that “the Earth’s roundness is an established public good,” while fact-checking start-ups have deployed over 12,000 certified plush globes to national kindergartens. No measurable decline in flat Earth belief has been recorded.
At present, the Department of Education is requesting proposals for adaptive lesson plans that “honor diverse epistemologies without erasing consensus reality,” pending review by a truth and reconciliation subpanel. As of press time, 61% of surveyed five-year-olds believe that astronauts are “cartoon people” and that the Moon can be reached by ladder, provided it is not behind the couch.
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