Martial Artist Confused to Learn That Punching Through Political Spectrum Doesn’t Secure Presidency

Des Moines, IA – Regional martial arts champion Doug Seldon expressed confusion today after learning that his recent feat—punching cleanly through a full-color poster representation of the American political spectrum—will not automatically secure him the presidency, contrary to what he had been led to believe.

The incident occurred Wednesday morning during a sparsely attended fundraiser at the Harmony Fist Dojo. Seldon, 34, executed a single, high-velocity strike that passed through depictions of every major political alignment from “patriotic moderate” to “anarcho-antimonarchist,” emerging completely unscathed on the other side. “I always heard the path to the highest office was piercing the bipartisan veil,” Seldon remarked, cradling his slightly reddened knuckles. “I really thought ballot boxes would open up or something.”

Despite what campaign literature distributed by the dojo described as an “unprecedented act of cross-partisan unity,” federal officials quickly clarified that Seldon’s blow had no constitutional standing. “Physical acts upon symbolic representations of governance structures cannot, at this time, substitute for the federally mandated electoral process,” said Gregory Mandell, spokesperson for the Iowa State Board of Presidential Access. “Regardless of chi focus or spectrum penetration, the candidate must still collect signatures and debate on cable news.”

According to a preliminary analysis by the Civics & Ceremonial Eligibility Subcommittee, there are currently no legal precedents for fist-based transfers of executive authority, a loophole owing to the committee’s enduring assumption of good sportsmanship. “Our founding documents simply didn’t account for this level of metaphorical engagement,” said committee chair Dr. Holly Berman, pausing to review a frayed pocket Constitution for guidance. “There’s no Article II, Section Eight: Palm-heel Exception.”

Nevertheless, the event has inspired followers nationwide, leading to brief surges of interest in spectrum-based martial achievement. Sales of rainbow-striped punching bags skyrocketed, with Amazon reporting a 900% increase among likely voters. At one location, witnesses report a simultaneous attempt at a roundhouse kick through the Overton Window, resulting in minor property damage and a lengthy public zoning review.

Seldon, meanwhile, remains optimistic. “I’m not giving up,” he declared, taping together a new poster that would incorporate “technocrat left-center libertarianism” for completeness. Local authorities have discouraged further attempts, citing safety concerns and reports that each punch generates a minor but cumulative uptick in local government red tape.

The Board of Presidential Access will reconvene next month to address the matter further. Until then, candidates are advised to pursue more traditional routes to power, such as campaign finance compliance or prolonged, televised suffering.