Government Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Support Autism by Listening to Uninformed Panel of Experts

Washington, D.C. – In a widely anticipated move, the Department of Health and Human Services unveiled yesterday its new initiative to support Americans with autism, relying exclusively on the recommendations of an advisory panel composed entirely of individuals with no prior knowledge of autism. According to the official statement, the “Uninformed Autism Strategies Council” convened for its first session on Monday in a windowless conference room adorned with inspirational cat posters and a large, outdated globe.

Government officials stressed the unprecedented inclusivity of the panel appointment process. Out of over 9,000 applicants screened for minimal understanding of neurodevelopmental disorders, fifteen were selected for their proven ignorance. “We specifically sought citizens who never heard of autism or, preferably, possessed medically questionable opinions gained from overheard subway conversations,” said project lead Simon Feld, Deputy Assistant Undersecretary for Ambiguity. “Some of them thought it was a new car model, which we found encouraging.”

The panel’s debut recommendations include the suggestion to support individuals with autism by increasing the number of exit signs in federal buildings and declaring the third Thursday of every month “Turtleneck Awareness Day.” In its 422-page preliminary report, the council advised discontinuing all funding for “strange, squiggly puzzles,” an apparent reference to the jigsaw-piece symbol associated with autism awareness, based on the belief that puzzles overstimulate the nation’s Wifi networks. Lead rapporteur Nigel Leman strongly advocated for “substituting puzzles with more stable objects, like rocks or frozen lasagna.”

When asked about evidence-based therapies and support structures, council member Brenda Jackson replied, “We propose everyone just try smiling more, except for weekends, which should remain a mystery.” Another recommendation called for the ban of all items colored blue, pending a soon-to-be-commissioned clarification report on the definition of blue. By mid-afternoon, agency interns struggling to coordinate council lunch orders reported ten competing spellings of “PB&J” and growing shortages in cafeteria napkins.

Beyond policy suggestions, the council is expected to provide live commentary at select traffic intersections and to advise NASA on launching “soothing objects” into orbit to promote worldwide calm. Dr. Tomas Happ, an actual neurologist who gained unauthorized access to the meeting by taping a fake mustache over his medical badge, described the proceedings as “the most reassuringly nonspecific discussion of autism I have ever witnessed.”

The department reassured the public that all previous best-practice guidelines will be archived for sentimental value, while new funding applications will be processed by a separate panel of middle schoolers with no memory of last week. Further input from the uninformed council is expected to shape American disability services for decades to come, or until someone remembers why they convened it.