Category: Media
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Desperate Soccer Team Considers Hiring Man Recently Fired for Being Bad at Job, Surprised by Lack of Enthusiasm
Shrewsbury, UK – Citing a mounting stack of losses and a growing sense of “collective malaise,” Shrewsbury Town AFC confirmed this week that they are in advanced negotiations to sign Ian Deemster, a 46-year-old former accounts manager recently dismissed from his last role for being, according to official HR documentation, “demonstrably incapable of meeting minimum…
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New Study Links Rising Tide of Misinformation to Increased Chance of Flat Earth Belief by Age 5
Cambridge, MA – A sweeping new study from the International Institute for Cognitive Clarity suggests a startling correlation between children’s early exposure to online misinformation and a surging belief in a flat Earth before kindergarten age. Researchers say the pattern is “statistically significant, epistemologically concerning, and geometrically regressive.” Drawing on data collected from over 40,000…
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NFL Network Implements New Social Media Policy: Analysts Allowed Only to Endorse Obsolete Products Like Rotary Phones and VCRs
New York, NY – In a move designed to “preserve dignity” and “return focus to the core mission,” the NFL Network announced Tuesday a sweeping new social media policy restricting its analysts to publicly endorsing only obsolete consumer products, such as rotary phones, VHS players, and discontinued cereal brands. The network’s Social Cohesion Committee released…
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Vince McMahon Unveils New WWE Character Based on His Therapist’s Therapy Goat, Fans Question Reality
Stamford, CT – WWE chairman Vince McMahon surprised viewers Wednesday evening by introducing a new wrestling persona, “Dr. Billie the Therapy Goat,” a character reportedly inspired by his personal therapist’s support animal. The unexpected debut during the flagship “Monday Night Raw” immediately prompted confusion among fans and industry analysts alike, many of whom expressed concern…
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Hollywood Declares War on Leaf Blowers: Script Writers Fear Losing Roles to Machines with More Personality
Los Angeles, CA – The Motion Picture Industry Council (MPIC) passed an emergency resolution this week officially designating high-powered gas leaf blowers as a threat to Hollywood’s creative workforce, particularly screenwriters. The move comes amid growing concern that the sound, presence, and perceived emotional range of leaf blowers have begun to outshine human writers both…
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Critics Hail New Sitcom as “Charming Disaster” After Writers Accidentally Infuse Script with Quantum Mechanics
Los Angeles, CA – In a surprise turn of events at last night’s network premiere, critics and audiences alike flooded social media to praise the new sitcom “Roommates in Flux” as a “charming disaster,” following reports that core elements of the script were inexplicably driven by the principles of quantum mechanics. The sitcom, intended as…
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Nation on Edge as Brentford vs. Man Utd Match Preview Becomes More Compelling Than Actual Game
London, UK – Millions across Britain and abroad found themselves unexpectedly riveted Sunday afternoon, not by the Brentford vs. Manchester United match, but by the official pre-game preview segment, according to early reports from both broadcasters and emergency services. The phenomenon has led to widespread confusion, with several viewers refusing to adjust their televisions even…
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Coach Sees Journalism Students as Biggest Threat to College Football Since Unpaid Labor Debate
Tuscaloosa, AL – College football coaches nationwide are increasingly voicing concerns over what they describe as an “unprecedented existential threat” posed by campus journalism students, according to statements released following a Southeastern Conference symposium this week. Coach Virgil Dawkford of Western State University likened the proliferation of student newspapers to the “second coming of the…
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Keir Starmer Delivers Passionate Speech on Reality, Promptly Accused of Witchcraft by Global Conspiracy Theorists
London, UK – Labour Party leader Keir Starmer delivered a widely anticipated address yesterday in Westminster, focusing on what aides described as “an unwavering commitment to the measurable facts of the world.” The speech, attended by several MPs and two EU ambassadors, consisted primarily of Starmer reading statements such as “water is wet” and “most…
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Cutting-Edge AI Technology Used to Revive Actor’s Career While Simultaneously Putting Them Out of Work
Los Angeles, CA – In a groundbreaking move hailed by studios and consultants alike, major Hollywood producer SilverThread Entertainment has unveiled a proprietary artificial intelligence system capable of not only reviving the public profiles of aging or out-of-work actors, but also making their physical participation in productions unnecessary. The AI, known as “Resumè,” debuted last…
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