Category: Media
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Coach Sees Journalism Students as Biggest Threat to College Football Since Unpaid Labor Debate
Tuscaloosa, AL – College football coaches nationwide are increasingly voicing concerns over what they describe as an “unprecedented existential threat” posed by campus journalism students, according to statements released following a Southeastern Conference symposium this week. Coach Virgil Dawkford of Western State University likened the proliferation of student newspapers to the “second coming of the…
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Keir Starmer Delivers Passionate Speech on Reality, Promptly Accused of Witchcraft by Global Conspiracy Theorists
London, UK – Labour Party leader Keir Starmer delivered a widely anticipated address yesterday in Westminster, focusing on what aides described as “an unwavering commitment to the measurable facts of the world.” The speech, attended by several MPs and two EU ambassadors, consisted primarily of Starmer reading statements such as “water is wet” and “most…
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Cutting-Edge AI Technology Used to Revive Actor’s Career While Simultaneously Putting Them Out of Work
Los Angeles, CA – In a groundbreaking move hailed by studios and consultants alike, major Hollywood producer SilverThread Entertainment has unveiled a proprietary artificial intelligence system capable of not only reviving the public profiles of aging or out-of-work actors, but also making their physical participation in productions unnecessary. The AI, known as “Resumè,” debuted last…
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Jimmy Kimmel’s Return to ABC Declared National Holiday, America Rejoices with 48-Hour Screen Time Challenge
Los Angeles, CA – In an unprecedented gesture, the White House officially proclaimed “Jimmy Kimmel Live Resumption Day” a national holiday on Monday, following ABC’s announcement of Jimmy Kimmel’s highly anticipated return to late-night television after a brief hiatus. In a televised address, Press Secretary Lloyd Hammett stated, “This is a momentous occasion for American…
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Shit happened
Albany, NY – In a development that officials are calling both “inevitable” and “impossible to fully quantify,” sources have confirmed that shit happened early Tuesday morning in various locations across the region. The incident, initially reported by a series of confused and mildly discomfited residents, has since been acknowledged by municipal agencies and the Governor’s…
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World Leaders Convene for Historic Summit on Strategic Ignorance, Promise to Reschedule After Every Leak
Geneva, Switzerland – An unprecedented gathering of world leaders commenced—or nearly did—on Monday, as presidents, prime ministers, and sovereign holograms assembled for the inaugural Summit on Strategic Ignorance. Convened at the behest of the International Council for Willful Forgetfulness (ICWF), the summit was designed to foster the deliberate cultivation of administrative unknowingness in global affairs.…
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Global Markets Brace for Impact as U.S. Politicians Play Chicken with Economic Armageddon, Confident No One Will Blink
Washington, D.C. – Global markets entered a period of heightened volatility Tuesday after U.S. lawmakers escalated their ongoing standoff over the nation’s debt ceiling, repeatedly assuring anxious investors that “absolutely nobody will blink” and “economic armageddon is probably not that bad anyway.” Major indices seesawed throughout the day while world leaders watched what analysts are…
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Experts Rank Most Nostalgic Climate Crisis of Each Year in the ’80s, Hail Chernobyl as Timeless Classic
Bonn, West Germany – At an emotional symposium this week, the International Panel for Climate Recollections (IPCR) released its eagerly anticipated compilation of the Most Nostalgic Climate Crisis of Each Year in the 1980s, a report that experts say will help guide both museum curation and collective yearning for a simpler era of disaster. The…
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Regional Governments Duel Over YouTuber’s Allegiances; New Political Party ‘Influencers United’ Gains Traction
Columbus, OH – A simmering feud among regional governments escalated yesterday after YouTube personality Carter Lane, known online as “CarterDabbles,” changed his official profile location from Topeka, Kansas to Dayton, Ohio. State authorities and municipal councils alike have now entered open negotiations—and, in several cases, heated duels—over the 23-year-old vlogger’s declared allegiances. Lane’s channel, which…
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Regional Governments Engage in Epic Battle of Wits Over YouTube Comment Section, Forget Actual Governance Exists
Albany, NY – Regional governments across the Northeast have settled into an unremitting, weekslong intellectual standoff over a contentious YouTube comment thread under a viral cooking video, according to sources familiar with the matter. The debate, initially sparked by a disagreement on the correct order for layering lasagna noodles, has since escalated beyond culinary guidelines…
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