Albanese Government Unveils New Emissions Model Based on Astrological Charts and Wishful Thinking

Canberra, ACT – The Albanese government on Wednesday announced a significant overhaul of its climate policy framework, unveiling a new emissions projection model that will combine traditional datasets with the consultative reading of astrological charts and “pure, good-minded wishful thinking.” Climate Minister Fiona Melrose described the approach as “forward-thinking and aligned with both planetary and planetary alignment science.”

According to briefing documents released by the Department of Energy and Celestial Affairs, the forecast for national carbon output in 2030 will now rely equally on emissions inventories, the trajectory of Mars, and broad-based positive visualization exercises conducted monthly by cabinet staff. Departmental analysts defended the methodology, citing recent work by the bipartisan Parliamentary Stars and Wishes Committee, which found “no statistically significant difference between the predictive power of Virgo rising and the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change.”

“Astrology provides us with an untapped tool for policy certainty,” Chief Government Prognosticator Dr. Leo Augustine said, elaborating on how the nation’s decarbonization timetable will now hinge on the periodic retrograde of Mercury. “When Mercury is in retrograde, we will pause climate action to avoid celestial misalignment. During full moons, emissions data will be recalibrated in light of enhanced lunar optimism.” A recent pilot study run in Griffith found that drawing a crude Sagittarius symbol on carbon credit certificates cut local emissions forecasts by 8 percent, although the actual emissions numbers themselves remained constant.

Industry reaction has been mixed, with the Australian Council of Fossil Extraction (ACFE) welcoming the added flexibility. “We’re pleased to see government listening to forces larger than us,” said ACFE spokesperson Ines Crabb. “It’s a relief to know next quarter’s output can be offset by a strong showing from Jupiter.” By contrast, environmental groups expressed confusion, especially after learning that three-quarters of future targets would be based on “ambitiously hopeful feelings” among mid-level bureaucrats.

Parliamentary debate on the model grew increasingly abstract as MPs argued whether Scorpio energy would foster robust investment, or if a rare planetary trine might invalidate decades of emissions accounting. Minister Melrose reassured Members that “in the event the stars prove uncooperative, wishful thinking remains an inexhaustible fallback.” Officials later clarified these non-empirical projections would not be subject to independent audit, as “such scrutiny could harsh the national vibe.”

The new model will be trialed for twelve lunar cycles, after which departmental soothsayers will provide a retroactive cost-benefit reading. The initiative is expected to be revenue-neutral, excepting budgeted funds for horoscope consultations and the installation of crystal quartz policymaking chambers in Treasury. It remains unclear how these changes will impact actual climate outcomes, but sources within cabinet suggest an improvement in morale, if not in weather events.

At press time, ministry sources confirmed that the program would proceed unless a rare eclipse necessitates a further review.