Windsor, UK – In a move described as “cautiously strategic,” Windsor Castle has announced the hiring of a prominent defense consultant to advise on potential impacts to the British monarchy stemming from projected declines in American democracy. The royal household confirmed the appointment in a press release early Monday morning, emphasizing the appropriateness of “forward-looking vigilance in a world marked by transatlantic uncertainty.”
According to Palatial Defense Analyst Dr. Reginald P. Fallow, who will lead the year-long consultancy, the royal family’s interest was piqued following several academic forecasts, including a widely cited Intercontinental Governance Institute report that described the United States’ constitutional trajectory as “veering toward interpretive abstraction by 2034.” The report, which prompted Her Majesty’s Lord Chamberlain to convene a Democracy Contingency Taskforce, notes a 38% year-over-year increase in televised constitutional amendments and the nation’s rapid pivot to coin-based voting mechanisms. Dr. Fallow will conduct scenario planning exercises alongside historic preservationists and the Constable of the Castle.
“While Windsor Castle remains a symbol of enduring stability, we must not be complacent,” said Chamberlain Sir Rodney Klebb, referring to simulations wherein an American electorate confused by chronically recounted elections accidentally attempts to mail votes to the British Crown. Current projections include the risk of spontaneous American decolonization rallies at the castle gates and, in some models, the emergence of a rogue ‘provisional House of Representatives’ in the moat. “We are developing protocol for every plausible American outcome,” Klebb confirmed, “from benign administrative confusion to the creation of a rival President’s Court in the rose garden.”
Dr. Fallow’s recommendations thus far have included the installation of an “ideological runoff shelter” in the South Wing and the procurement of constitutional repellant—described as a blend of ceremonial garments and mild bureaucracy. Sections of the castle have been earmarked for emergency punching-ballot disposal, while corgi units are to be fitted with liquid democracy tracking collars. Although early experiments with a “pre-emptive Magna Carta flyover” resulted in several minor parchment-related injuries, preliminary signs suggest palace staff are settling into the new preparedness regime.
The Ministry of Heritage & Decorum has declined to comment on specific defense installations but has stated that “Windsor Castle is well equipped for all forms of ideological turbulence, including cases of disruptive American bicameral nostalgia.” Meanwhile, the British public has been reminded to avoid interference with any individuals found reciting the US Constitution at high volume near the castle premises.
At press time, analysts anticipated the formation of a special Parliamentary committee to review the findings, with their conclusive report expected to be archived unread in the Royal Vaults.
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