PERTH, AUSTRALIA — In a bold move celebrated as “21st-century healthcare reform” by its architects and “utter madness” by just about everyone else, the Western Australia Department of Health unveiled a new policy Thursday encouraging all hospital patients to opt for self-treatment—provided they follow instructions from high-quality YouTube tutorials.
The initiative, titled “Operation Do-It-Yourself,” was launched in a press conference featuring Health Minister Denise Bartley, who assured the public that “all the resources of modern medicine can now be found in the suggested videos sidebar.”
“We have seen incredible success with online learning platforms,” said Bartley, gesturing to a giant rendering of a rendering of a ‘How To Reset Your Shoulder’ YouTube thumbnail. “If one can master the guitar or make Mughlai biryani by watching a YouTube video, why not attempt basic laparoscopic surgery?”
Under the new measure, incoming patients will be handed a hospital iPad preloaded with the official ‘Western Australia First Aid Faves’ playlist. Those seeking care are to be escorted into a specially equipped “Self-Service Suite” stocked with over-the-counter supplies, Wi-Fi, and motivational posters featuring inspirational quotes from ‘Dr. Pimple Popper’ and that British guy who resets bones on camera.
Proponents point to Australia’s record 4-hour emergency wait times as proof of the necessity for “creative solutions.” Bartley cited early trial runs at Royal Perth Hospital, where the number of physician consultations fell by 62%—along with, albeit coincidentally, a sharp spike in search terms like “How to stop arterial bleeding” and “Will super glue close wounds?”
“We’re seeing improved patient empowerment,” said Dr. Lloyd Paxton, YouTube Medical Liaison, before hurrying off to film his next explainer on appendectomies with a steak knife and dental floss. “Patients are more engaged in their treatment—sometimes right up until they pass out.”
Despite mounting criticism from the Australian Medical Association, which called the scheme “a fascinating way to combine internet misinformation with the stress of open wounds,” the government remains undeterred. Officials point to preliminary surveys showing increased patient satisfaction, particularly among “Doers, risk takers, and guys named Damo who once fixed their mate’s nose after a footy accident.”
Not everyone is convinced. “I came in for a sprained ankle and left with a probable concussion, 600 new notifications, and two ads for crypto,” said patient Riley Fraser, speaking through subtitles automatically generated by YouTube. “But I did learn how to install a car stereo.”
Hospital administrators are already considering expansion. Phase Two of the rollout will reportedly include ‘Expert Playlists’ for advanced cases, such as at-home gallbladder removals, and ‘Kids React’ episodes in the pediatric wing.
As of press time, the Ministry of Health assured the public there will still be trained medical staff onsite—primarily to help patients skip sponsored segments and hold the camera steady.
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