WASHINGTON, D.C.—After months of exhaustive investigation and exactly zero dollars in additional funding, the National Cybersecurity Task Force announced Monday that it had uncovered Subway’s most creative cost-cutting measure yet: outsourcing all digital customer complaints to fictional email addresses, including “helpful.hamster@freshmail.net” and “manager404@inboxless.org.”
“We’d been tracking a suspicious decline in complaint resolution rates among major fast food chains,” said task force lead Brenda Clatterbuck, still clutching a stack of coupon-riddled angry emails collected from the trash bin behind Arby’s. “At first we assumed it was your typical data breach or maybe a new type of phishing scam. But the trail led us somewhere… tastier.”
The scheme came to light when the task force attempted to contact the email address listed on dozens of Taco Morello receipt surveys, only to receive bounce-backs from the enigmatic “taco_boss_dan@unread.com.” Multiple “customer satisfaction directors” did not appear to exist anywhere in the company’s payroll records, LinkedIn profiles, or, in fact, reality.
“Who among us hasn’t waited three weeks for an apology coupon, only to be told by ‘Samantha – Guest Recovery Specialist’ that she’s currently out of the office, forever?” asked Clatterbuck. “The only thing less real than their empathy is their inbox.”
Industry analysts estimate that at least 82% of American fast food chains now route all digital complaints through elaborate networks of non-existent employees with upbeat, food-related handles. From Chick n’ Click’s “cluckedback@intheclouds.com” to Pretzeltopia’s “knotresponsible@fiberoptics.biz,” the practice is growing faster than the bacteria in a ball pit.
A recent survey of dissatisfied customers found that 97% had “given up yelling into the cybervoid,” with another 2% stating they planned to mail their complaints directly to the drive-thru intercom for faster processing. “The only reply I get is ‘Delivery failure,’ which still feels friendlier than the cashier,” said one participant, eating a sigh-soaked burger.
Asked for comment, official Subway spokesperson Janet M. Jenkins sent an auto-reply stating, “Thank you for your feedback! Your concern will be ignored in the order it was received.” Jenkins remained unavailable for further clarification, having digitally relocated to “donotreply@contactless.me,” where she is believed to chair an ethics committee comprised entirely of unresolved chatbots.
Faced with the findings, the Cybersecurity Task Force urged Congress for a modest $1.25 budget increase to continue their work. Instead, lawmakers accidentally forwarded the request to “ITsupport@voidmail.gov,” where, sources confirm, it will be thoroughly unprocessed.
In a statement released through a secure server in Latvia, the National Fast Food Restaurant Association reminded customers that “your voice matters,” preferably if expressed quietly and far enough away from the napkin dispensers.
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