In a groundbreaking move set to redefine global diplomacy, the U.S. State Department this week unveiled its new “Dice of Destiny” foreign policy, in which the application of oil sanctions against foreign nations will now be determined entirely by rolling a pair of regulation Las Vegas casino dice.
Addressing the press from a hastily assembled craps table in the White House briefing room, Secretary of State Anthony Blinken demonstrated the protocol by throwing a hard eight. “And that means Malaysia will now be restricted to importing only lavender-scented petroleum through 2025,” he explained, nodding approvingly as aides began frantically updating trade spreadsheets.
“We’re embracing the unpredictability inherent in modern geopolitics,” Blinken said, while shaking the dice in an official State Department tumbler. “Why study thousands of pages of economic data when you can let fate—and a little lady luck—guide international relations?”
According to the official rulebook, painstakingly drafted over a single lunch hour, nations that benefit from a “lucky seven” will receive a congratulatory card and a week’s grace period before the next roll, while a snake eyes result automatically triggers twelve new acronyms and a midnight drone flyover. Should a double-six appear, the entire global oil market will be required to observe “Embargo Bingo,” a confusing televised event sponsored by BP and Crude Oil O’Reilly’s.
Foreign leaders have responded with curiosity and mild suspicion. French President Emmanuel Macron, learning that French companies’ oil imports now depended on the roll’s sum minus the number of letters in the word “tariff,” admitted, “It is currently impossible to calculate our energy strategy. Even for the French.”
Supporters hail the strategy as a refreshingly equitable approach. “This system ensures complete integrity, because nobody—not even Exxon—knows whose oil will get sanctioned next,” said dice consultant and Las Vegas magician Ricky “Numbers” Mancini, who now holds the honorary title of Special Envoy for Randomness. “Frankly, it’s a miracle the Pentagon didn’t think of it first.”
The new policy has reportedly sparked a 70% increase in world leaders quietly studying probability theory and hiring croupiers as national security advisors. Meanwhile, OPEC’s emergency summit devolved into chaos when the Saudi Oil Minister attempted to bluff his way out of a “double down embargo,” only to be countered by Norway playing a wild card.
Economists are divided on the strategy’s long-term implications. “It introduces a welcome element of surprise into markets that have grown stagnant from predictability,” admitted Dr. Megan Hoss, chair of the Institute for Rigged Games. “On the downside, we expect Wall Street to implode every third Tuesday of the month, right after Blinken yells ‘Come on, mama needs a new export partner!’ and slams the dice onto the Resolute Desk.”
Asked whether there was any backup plan in the event of catastrophic global confusion, President Biden assured reporters, “Look, folks, if the dice get lost, we’ll just switch to rock-paper-scissors. America always throws rock.”
As for the possibility of outside tampering, officials insist the dice are fair, transparent, and thoroughly inspected, except for the mysterious skull-and-crossbones symbol, which, sources confirm, is reserved for Canada.
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