In a surprise move Monday, the United Nations announced the appointment of “Wild Card”—a self-described “unpredictable force of nature” who once defeated a Rubik’s Cube by eating it—as its new global Secretary-General, arguing that only someone thoroughly conversant in chaos theory could successfully usher the world through its current phase of spectacular dysfunction.
At a press conference held in a room where all chairs were replaced by beanbags, the U.N. Security Council revealed that the decision was reached after the traditional round of nominations devolved into a heated debate over the proper pronunciation of “quinoa,” prompting delegates to simply draw a name from a spinning bingo cage. The card that emerged was covered in glitter and labeled, in marker, “WILD CARD.”
“People often assume global politics operates under rules,” remarked Hans Bjornstadt, U.N. Undersecretary for Unforeseeable Events, who wore a set of dice around his neck. “But recent history has proved that life is a scramble of butterfly wings and unshuffled decks. Who better to navigate the spiraling uncertainty than someone who’s literally named Wild Card?”
The new Secretary-General, appearing at the press event in mismatched shoes and a cloak of loosely stapled news clippings, offered a brief prepared statement, then abruptly left the podium to chase an errant possum that crashed through a window during the speech. When later reached for comment while riding a Zamboni through the General Assembly Hall, Wild Card explained their qualifications.
“I once negotiated a peace accord using only a deck of Uno and a live lobster,” said Wild Card, who has no fixed address or curriculum vitae. “I don’t seek out chaos. Chaos seeks me. Sometimes it finds me curled up in a suitcase at Terminal B.”
Diplomats worldwide reacted with guarded optimism, noting that the last five conventionally qualified Secretaries-General saw their own hairlines retreat faster than Arctic glaciers. “Maybe what we require now is someone who can speak the language of global entropy,” sighed French ambassador Lucille Vetraux, while handcuffing her briefcase to a random pigeon. “The rules never seem to apply anyway.”
Policy experts expressed concern at the trend, noting that approximately 73% of international summits now end with the meeting room catching fire, a pie fight, or abrupt transformation into a rave. “I’m not sure if humanity’s ready for Wild Card’s leadership techniques,” observed Professor Renaldo Greene, chair of the Princeton Department of Disaster Management. “Their five-point plan contains only the phrase ‘Embrace Uncertainty’ written in permanent marker, followed by a ketchup stain.”
Still, some global leaders voiced hope, suggesting that a deep understanding of chaos is almost functionally equivalent to foreign policy experience. According to a joint report by the Institute for International Mischief and the World Organization for Accidental Outcomes, countries led by actual supercomputers have only a 0.02% lower risk of accidental pancake embargoes than those led by kites.
In a sign of shifting priorities, the U.N. announced that future sessions will be conducted in random locations, with translators required to juggle while reciting the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. “Eradicate hunger, resolve conflict, and learn to tango on uneven ice,” summarized Wild Card, rolling a pair of dice to determine next week’s agenda.
At press time, the new Secretary-General was reportedly seen swapping nameplates at the World Health Organization just to “see what happens,” while scribbling equations that appeared to predict the exact moment coffee will spill on white shirts around the world.
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