In a bold and daring solution to one of America’s most persistent social issues, former President Donald Trump unveiled a plan Tuesday to address homelessness by making every park bench in the United States disappear without a trace. The initiative, dubbed “Operation Seatless Prosperity,” seeks to remove what Trump called “the number one enabler of outdoor napping” from public spaces nationwide.
“People come to parks for picnics, for jogging, for not sitting next to smelly people with a shopping cart,” Trump said at a press conference held in a chairless amphitheater in Central Park. “If there’s nowhere to sit, people can’t stay outside, so they’ll all get jobs and buy homes, very simple. You solve the problem at its bench.”
The plan—which Trump consultants claim has been developed using “advanced vanishing technology inspired by David Copperfield”—aims to make all public benches disappear between the hours of 3 and 4 a.m., “when sleeping happens the most.” Demonstrators at the unveiling event were shocked when Trump pressed a big red button labeled “POOF,” resulting in the instantaneous disappearance of every bench in a three-block radius. The sudden lack of seating left elderly parade-goers and dog-walkers idling awkwardly midstride. One elderly woman, Gladys McPherson, was heard muttering, “Well, now where am I supposed to throw bread at pigeons while contemplating the futility of existence?”
The Trump campaign insists the move is just “phase one,” with further plans targeting public fountains (“unnecessary washing”) and statues (“potential shelter behind large, bronze generals”). Trump’s policy advisor T.J. Corkle explained, “After benches are gone, park-dwelling individuals will be left with only grass, which is notoriously uncomfortable. Our focus groups show almost six percent of people experiencing homelessness would rather re-integrate into society than sit directly on sod.”
Early data appears to back up the campaign’s optimism. According to a study funded by Benchless America PAC, Benchless public spaces suffered a 200% increase in people standing around, and a 600% increase in “hesitant hovering.” However, when contacted, the National Bureau of Statistics clarified that these percentages seemed to be “randomly generated numbers,” and suggested that standing awkwardly was “not a sustainable long-term housing solution.”
The proposal has been met with excitement among real estate moguls and condo associations, who hope the parkless, seatless future will increase property values while saving money on graffiti removal. “Benches attract the wrong sort of… people,” said condo board president Lindsay Stratton, blinking rapidly. “Without benches, even squirrels will have a harder time loitering. Honestly, this could be the biggest thing since the invention of private security.”
Critics, meanwhile, have suggested that making park benches vanish may simply create a “sitting crisis,” as working-class Americans, elderly retirees, and local chess grandmasters find themselves bereft of their usual perches. Dr. Marin Quigley, professor of Urban Planning at a university in Vermont, stated, “Next we’ll see people leaning against trees, then rocks, and then, inevitably, lying on each other. It’s dangerous, it’s unsanitary, it’s potentially awkward.”
Asked whether vanishing benches might merely shift the homelessness problem elsewhere, Trump assured reporters, “Look, I know benches. I’ve sat on more benches than anyone. But nobody can stay in a park with no benches, believe me. They’ll figure it out, maybe buy a house, or better yet, a golf club membership. It’s going to be great.”
At press time, Trump was spotted coughing awkwardly as a gust of wind blew countless picnic baskets across the now furnitureless lawn, chased by dozens of fuming sunburned joggers grasping for any form of lumbar support.
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