Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move, former President Donald Trump has declared himself a world-leading authority in “grass studies,” culminating in his appointment as the head of the newly minted Department for Lawn Security. This announcement was made at a hastily organized press briefing on Tuesday morning, where Trump assured the American public of his unparalleled expertise in lawn maintenance and greenery.
“Nobody knows grass like I do, believe me,” Trump confidently asserted, standing on what appeared to be an extraordinarily vibrant patch of Kentucky bluegrass. He explained that his mastery was honed over decades spent meticulously observing the lawns of his various golf courses. “I’ve saved grass that people said was impossible to save,” he elaborated, with a characteristic flourish of his hands.
The Department for Lawn Security, formed under an obscure provision of the National Gardening Act, aims to protect and enhance the nation’s turf security. Notably absent from the department’s mission is any mention of traditional issues such as national security or public safety. Instead, it is focused solely on ensuring that the United States maintains its standing as a global leader in lawn aesthetics.
Dr. Fernula Greenbaum, a fictional expert and self-proclaimed “Chlorophyll Consultant,” praised Trump’s initiative. “This is exactly the leadership this neglected field has been crying out for,” said Greenbaum, allegedly from her office in the Brick Cluster Institute of Advanced Botanical Studies. Greenbaum contends that this department will spur economic growth by encouraging the establishment of a grass-based economy, dubbed “Greensconomics.”
Critics argue the department’s creation is unnecessary, diverting resources from more pressing issues. However, support for the initiative appears to be growing among White House insiders. “We shouldn’t overlook the immense national pride tied to having pristine lawns,” commented Secretary of Logistics and Leisure, Sir Wallace Sodsworth, who was appointed simultaneously.
The development has sparked a newfound sense of urgency among regular Americans, who have begun to scrutinize their own lawns with an unprecedented vigor. Reports indicate a surge in demand for lawn advisory services, with local governments establishing helplines for lawn emergency situations. As a result, garden centers nationwide are running out of “Presidential Fertilizer,” a new super-nutrient blend allegedly formulated by Trump himself.
Despite this enthusiasm, some lawmakers have raised concerns about security risks associated with potential espionage by nations with lesser lawns. “The threat of grass data leaks is real,” asserted Congressman Clayton Crisp, emphasizing the need for stringent, unbreachable protocols to protect America’s lawn secrets from spying eyes.
In related news, the Department for Lawn Security is in discussions with the Department of Homeland Security to explore possible synergies between turf maintenance and border protection. One proposed strategy involves utilizing advanced lawn-mowing drones for patrol instead of traditional border agents.
As the nation watches this development unfold, Trump remains steadfast in his mission. “We’re going to have the greenest, most secure lawns you’ve ever seen,” he promised with his iconic self-assuredness, leaving analysts to ponder whether they had woefully underestimated the political clout of grass.
No further comments were available at press time, as President Biden was reportedly consulting with environmental botanists over “serious concerns” about the viability of synthetic grass diplomacy.
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