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“Apple Announces New iPhone That Only Functions if You Assert Its Dominance Over Previous Models”

Cupertino, CA – In an audacious stride toward tech supremacy, Apple announced the release of the iPhone Dominate, a groundbreaking model that insists on users proving their undying loyalty and superiority over all previous versions. The announcement was met with waves of confusion and excitement by the tech-savvy public eager to showcase their devotion.

The iPhone Dominate takes innovation to an unprecedented level, requiring customers to engage in rigorous affirmation rituals, which include reciting the entire Apple product catalog in chronological order and a daily mantra about the device’s “stunning evolutionary progress.” Failure to complete these tasks results in the device reverting to a decorative paperweight.

“Our vision has always been to empower our users with technology that not only adapts to their needs but also maximizes potential through fierce devotion,” said Apple’s Chief Innovation Officer, Lucius Veil, at the product launch. “The iPhone Dominate is more than a phone; it’s a trust exercise, requiring total fidelity to its unmatched relevance.”

According to Apple, new features include the “Hierarchy Booster,” which prevents users from operating older models within a one-mile radius to avoid contamination by technological inferiority. Additionally, the phone’s advanced AI assistant, SiriX, continually assesses the user’s devotion through randomly timed questionnaires and pop-up loyalty pledges.

Consumer excitement has reached a fever pitch, with early adopters already planning elaborate midnight ceremonies at the gates of Apple Stores nationwide. “I’m thrilled to prove my allegiance,” gushed self-proclaimed Apple Enthusiast #140459, as legally changed per her wisest decision of 2021. “This is the ultimate test of my commitment to progress and minimalism—two core Apple values.”

Critics, inevitably, have emerged to question this aggressive leap in customer engagement. However, Apple remains confident. “In a world where devices are merely tools, we’ve given our fans something to live for,” Veil emphasized, while demonstrating how the phone can also double as a fashion accessory that reduces the need for personality traits.

As loyalists and skeptics clash in the digital arena, one certainty remains unchanged: Apple’s newest innovation guarantees the faithful will forever dominate their inferiors, one device at a time.