Tag: social commentary
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New York’s Newest Shelter Offers Ironically Exclusive Safe Space, Requires Five-Step Gender Verification Process
NEW YORK CITY — In an unprecedented move to combine the exclusivity of Manhattan’s hottest clubs with the safe haven mission of a refuge, the newly-erected “Only You” Shelter has opened its doors, but only for those who can navigate its five-step gender verification process. The impeccably designed sanctuary promises to provide a unique haven…
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Federal Government Launches Initiative to Relocate Homeless into National Archives for Historical Context
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold move that White House officials are calling “an innovative merger of social work and historiography,” the federal government today announced the launch of its Relocation for Historical Context Initiative, which seeks to house the nation’s homeless population inside the National Archives building alongside such hallowed documents as the Constitution and the…
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Census Bureau Discovers 38 Million Americans Identifying as “Tired of This Shit”
WASHINGTON—In a finding officials called both “statistically robust” and “emotionally understandable,” the U.S. Census Bureau confirmed Thursday that 38 million Americans identified as “Tired of This Shit” on recent federal forms, making it the nation’s fastest-growing self-reported category since “Unclear If Roommates Or Dating” in 2012. The designation emerged organically in write-in fields across the…
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Study Finds 95% of People Who Say “No Offense” Actually Mean “Brace for Impact”
In a groundbreaking study likely to send shockwaves through the world of casual conversation, the Institute for Unnecessary Apologies has revealed that a staggering 95% of people who preface their statements with “No offense” are effectively issuing a verbal warning: “Brace for Impact.” The findings come after years of intensive study and consultation with leading…
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