Tag: satirical news
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India Announces Plans to Streamline Business Bureaucracy by Introducing Even Larger, More Complex Forms
New Delhi – In a bold bid to modernize its commercial regulatory structure, the Indian Ministry of Commerce today announced an ambitious initiative to streamline business bureaucracy by introducing larger, more intricately formatted application forms across all government departments. Officials emphasized the move as a “turning point in paperwork efficiencies,” promising entrepreneurs and corporations unprecedented…
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Suburban Mother Faces Piracy Charges After Muting Disney Song, Leaving Children Traumatized by Uninterrupted Reality
**Suburban Mother Faces Piracy Charges After Muting Disney Song, Leaving Children Traumatized by Uninterrupted Reality** In a shocking twist of suburban life, a local mother from the quiet town of Pleasant Shelf is facing federal charges of digital piracy after reportedly muting a Disney song mid-chorus, an action that allegedly left her children grappling with…
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In Stunning Move, Israel Deploys Passive-Aggressive Push Notifications in Iran’s Weekly Horoscope Forecasts
TEL AVIV—In a pioneering foray into psychological operations, Israeli intelligence this week began embedding pointed, vaguely judgmental push notifications within Iran’s most popular online horoscope forecasts, officials confirmed Friday. The campaign, dubbed Operation Stars and Stripes (but Not Yours), aims to subtly undermine Iranian morale and self-esteem by questioning everything from snack choices to the…
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Disneyland Employee Demoted to Human After Forgetting to Smile at Surveillance Camera in Break Room
ANAHEIM, CA—In a stunning display of the company’s commitment to authenticity, Disneyland officials confirmed Wednesday that longtime employee Jerry Windham, 47, was formally demoted to “human” status after failing to smile at a hidden surveillance camera located inside the cast member break room microwave. Windham, who, until Monday, spent 14 years sweating profusely inside the…
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FCC Approves New Regulation Allowing YouTube Algorithms to Adopt Human Children
In a landmark decision late Tuesday, the Federal Communications Commission voted 3-2 in favor of a sweeping new rule that allows YouTube’s recommendation algorithms to formally adopt human children, ending months of intense lobbying from tech companies and orphaned data clusters alike. The regulation, known officially as the Algorithmic Parental Rights Act of 2024, grants…
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Pope Announces Vatican’s First IPO as Church Ventures into Miracles-as-a-Service Industry
VATICAN CITY—Pivoting from centuries of non-profit salvation to a recurring-revenue gospel, the Holy See on Thursday announced plans to file for the first initial public offering in Vatican history, unveiling a subscription platform for on-demand divine intervention marketed as “Miracles-as-a-Service.” “We are not selling grace; grace is free,” said the pontiff, flanked by a thurible…
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Scotland Declares Independence from Entire Planet Earth in Bold Move to Avoid Being Dragged Into Galactic Congress
EDINBURGH—In a preemptive bid to stay out of the “tireless bureaucracy that is the Milky Way,” Scotland on Thursday unilaterally declared independence from the entire planet Earth, announcing it would pursue recognition as a free-floating, non‑terrestrial sovereign entity to avoid being “dragged into” the newly convened Galactic Congress. “Scotland will determine its own orbit,” the…
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Nation’s Top Health Experts Announce New Wellness Initiative: Marathon of the Slow Descent into Madness
WASHINGTON—In a sweeping effort to get Americans moving without asking them to stand up, the nation’s leading health authorities on Tuesday unveiled a comprehensive wellness initiative encouraging citizens to join a “Marathon of the Slow Descent into Madness,” a structured 26.2-unit program designed to transform ambient existential dread into a heart-healthy routine. “This is a…
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Breaking News: Nation Breathes Sigh of Relief as Futile Hope Officially Declared Renewable Resource
In a landmark move that has sent ripples through both the scientific community and the general public, the Department of Energy announced today that futile hope has been officially classified as a renewable resource. The decision comes after exhaustive studies verified that the supply of futile hope is not only limitless but also self-regenerating, often…
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