Tag: Satire
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New Federal Initiative Launches to Provide Emotional Support to Residents Traumatized by Terrifyingly Ordinary Rabbit
In an unprecedented move heralding a new chapter in public policy, the Department of Urban Wildlife and Emotional Health (DUWEH) has launched a federal initiative aimed at providing emotional support to citizens afflicted by encounters with Gerald, the infamously unremarkable rabbit known for his unnervingly average demeanor. In a press conference held on the White…
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Baptist News Global Accidentally Names Trump As New Testament Character, Sparks Theological Reboot
In a groundbreaking mix-up, Baptist News Global has accidentally thrust former President Donald Trump into the New Testament, sparking what scholars are dubbing a “theological reboot” across denominations. The blessed blunder has opened a wave of interpretative possibilities, leaving Christians around the world to ponder what a Trumpian Gospel would entail. The error occurred when…
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University Hopes Renting Stadium Suites for Fantasy Football Drafts Distracts from Missing Library Roof
In a bid to provide an unparalleled experiential service for fantasy football enthusiasts—and possibly divert attention from a more pressing structural matter—Hartwell University has unveiled an innovative initiative allowing eager participants to rent lavish stadium suites to hold their draft picks. This comes as the university continues to deliberate on the absence of the library’s…
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Steelers Organize Team-Building Retreat to Teach Aaron Rodgers Proper Usage of ‘Go Sports!’
In a bold move to promote unity and basic sports enthusiasm, the Pittsburgh Steelers announced this week that they would dedicate their annual team-building retreat to teaching newly arrived quarterback Aaron Rodgers the appropriate context and pronunciation of the phrase “Go Sports!” The decision reportedly came after Rodgers attempted to greet his new teammates during…
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Historic First: White House Fight Night to Feature Cage Match Between Policy Promises and Actual Legislation
In an unprecedented move aimed at increasing government transparency, the White House announced Tuesday that it will host its first-ever “Fight Night,” a nationally televised cage match pitting unfulfilled policy promises against the realities of actual legislation. The historic event is scheduled to take place next Friday in the East Room, which press secretary Carla…
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India Prepares Strategic Initiative to Build Dams Over Pakistan’s Sense of Humor
In an unprecedented move this week, Indian authorities have announced a comprehensive infrastructure project aimed at constructing a series of metaphorical dams over what remains of Pakistan’s sense of humor, citing “recurring floods of oversensitivity” as a regional threat to security and mutual understanding. “We can no longer ignore the torrents of outrage every time…
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Underfunded Cybersecurity Task Force Discovers Fast Food Chain Secretly Outsourcing Customer Complaints to Fictional Email Addresses
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After months of exhaustive investigation and exactly zero dollars in additional funding, the National Cybersecurity Task Force announced Monday that it had uncovered Subway’s most creative cost-cutting measure yet: outsourcing all digital customer complaints to fictional email addresses, including “helpful.hamster@freshmail.net” and “manager404@inboxless.org.” “We’d been tracking a suspicious decline in complaint resolution rates among major…
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U.S. Unveils New Foreign Policy Strategy: Roll of Dice Determines Sanctions for Oil Purchases
In a groundbreaking move set to redefine global diplomacy, the U.S. State Department this week unveiled its new “Dice of Destiny” foreign policy, in which the application of oil sanctions against foreign nations will now be determined entirely by rolling a pair of regulation Las Vegas casino dice. Addressing the press from a hastily assembled…
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Western Australia Announces New Hospital Policy: Patients Encouraged To Self-Treat Using YouTube Tutorials
PERTH, AUSTRALIA — In a bold move celebrated as “21st-century healthcare reform” by its architects and “utter madness” by just about everyone else, the Western Australia Department of Health unveiled a new policy Thursday encouraging all hospital patients to opt for self-treatment—provided they follow instructions from high-quality YouTube tutorials. The initiative, titled “Operation Do-It-Yourself,” was…