Tag: Satire
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New Study Links Rising Tide of Misinformation to Increased Chance of Flat Earth Belief by Age 5
Cambridge, MA – A sweeping new study from the International Institute for Cognitive Clarity suggests a startling correlation between children’s early exposure to online misinformation and a surging belief in a flat Earth before kindergarten age. Researchers say the pattern is “statistically significant, epistemologically concerning, and geometrically regressive.” Drawing on data collected from over 40,000…
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Galactic Chain Letters Spotted in Space, Scientists Bracing for Cosmic Pyramid Scheme to Begin
Cape Canaveral, FL – Astronomers at the Deep Sky Correspondence Facility reported Tuesday that a series of anomalous, repetitive radio transmissions are circulating across the Orion Arm, bearing what experts now fear are the first documented cases of galactic chain letters. The transmissions, deciphered late Monday evening, instruct receivers to “forward this message to ten…
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Government Unveils Plans for World’s Largest Stadium in Middle of Nowhere, Forgets About Roads to Get There
Wyoming Plains – The Department of Megaprojects announced Monday the approval of “The WySphere,” a 300,000-seat multipurpose stadium slated for construction in the center of the American Steppe, seventy miles from the nearest paved road. Officials lauded the development as “a revolutionary commitment to sporting excellence and regional transformation,” though logistical plans have drawn early…
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Ex-NFL Star’s New Charity ‘Touchdowns for Traffickers’ Raises Funds and Eyebrows
Dallas, TX – Former All-Pro linebacker Mark “Crusher” Callahan unveiled his latest philanthropic venture this week, launching ‘Touchdowns for Traffickers,’ a charity he says is “dedicated to bringing high-scoring support to the world’s most hustling entrepreneurs.” The non-profit, registered Monday with the state of Texas, has already raised over $1.2 million in pledges, according to…
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NFL Network Implements New Social Media Policy: Analysts Allowed Only to Endorse Obsolete Products Like Rotary Phones and VCRs
New York, NY – In a move designed to “preserve dignity” and “return focus to the core mission,” the NFL Network announced Tuesday a sweeping new social media policy restricting its analysts to publicly endorsing only obsolete consumer products, such as rotary phones, VHS players, and discontinued cereal brands. The network’s Social Cohesion Committee released…
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Germany Introduces New Citizenship Path: 10-Year Pantomime of Proving You’re Not a Time-Traveling Habsburg
Berlin – The German Interior Ministry has unveiled a new pathway to citizenship this week: a decade-long surveillance program requiring applicants to silently demonstrate, through pantomime, that they are not clandestine temporal infiltrators from the defunct House of Habsburg. Officials described the measure as “a necessary evolution in national security frameworks,” following months of closed-door…
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Government Announces New ‘Stay Sick’ Initiative to Boost Local Economy as Citizens Flock Overseas for Cures
Washington, D.C. – The Department of Health and Commercial Affairs unveiled a sweeping new policy measure Friday, the ‘Stay Sick’ Initiative, intended to stimulate domestic economic growth by encouraging citizens with treatable ailments to forgo recovery and, in the words of Secretary Nelson Draft, “keep their dollars circulating right here at home, along with their…
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New Zealand Launches Revolutionary ‘Pet a Predator’ Program to Foster Public Participation in Mass Eradication Effort
Wellington, NZ – In a bold move to end decades-long ecological strife, New Zealand’s Department of Conservation (DOC) has officially launched the “Pet a Predator” initiative, inviting citizens to gently engage with invasive predators before they are ethically removed from local ecosystems. The program, described by DOC Minister Lyle Rowan as “revolutionary civic partnership,” is…
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Nobel Prize in Physics Awarded to Scientists Who Prove Reality Is Just an Overly Complicated Version of Schrödinger’s Cat
Stockholm – In a decisive break from tradition, the Nobel Committee for Physics yesterday awarded the 2024 prize to Professors Lotte König and Marcel Quayle, whose work demonstrates that the universe is, in their words, “an unnecessarily elaborate enactment of Schrödinger’s thought experiment, now at world scale.” The decision, announced in a hushed assembly at…
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Nation Breathlessly Awaits Outcome of Football Game to Determine Fate of Auburn’s Entire Future, No Pressure
Auburn, AL – As kickoff looms for Saturday’s long-anticipated matchup, the United States finds itself collectively paralyzed, awaiting final resolution of not only the football game but, by steady federal decree, the comprehensive future of Auburn, Alabama. The game, a decisive contest between Auburn University and its longstanding rival, is widely acknowledged as the pivotal…
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