Tag: Satire
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U.N. Appoints Wild Card to Leadership Role, Cites Need for Someone Who Understands Chaos Theory
In a surprise move Monday, the United Nations announced the appointment of “Wild Card”—a self-described “unpredictable force of nature” who once defeated a Rubik’s Cube by eating it—as its new global Secretary-General, arguing that only someone thoroughly conversant in chaos theory could successfully usher the world through its current phase of spectacular dysfunction. At a…
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U.S. Education Department Unveils New Drone Headsets to Detect Cheating Thoughts During Exams
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what officials are hailing as a “watershed achievement for academic integrity and American forehead technology,” the U.S. Department of Education announced Tuesday its plan to deploy drone-mounted neural surveillance headsets—dubbed “BrainTrusts”—to monitor students’ thoughts for evidence of pre-cheating intent during standardized tests. “Paper, pencils, calculator bans—those are Band-Aids,” proclaimed Assistant Education Secretary Lena…
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Magic Leap Veteran to Helm Initiative Turning Drone Headsets Into Seasonal Affective Disorder Cure
In what some experts are calling the boldest leap since processed cheese, former Magic Leap CCO and augmented reality savant Elysia Foxglove has announced her appointment as the head of SunShinez, a $400-million startup dedicated to transforming drone-mounted VR headsets into what she describes as “the first FDA-risked cure for seasonal affective disorder… that you…
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Bureaucratic Miracle: Bihar Now Requires Emotional Support Animal to Submit Own Tax Returns
In a bold stride toward administrative inclusion, the state of Bihar announced yesterday that all emotional support animals are now legally required to file annual tax returns, “in accordance with their emotional responsibilities and taxable wag income.” The new measure comes as part of “Project Equitable Accountability,” a sweeping reform aimed at ensuring what officials…
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High School Athlete Exploits Little-Known Loophole In Physics To Win Race Without Touching Ground
MONTGOMERY, AL—Spectators at the regional track-and-field meet were left dumbstruck Friday as local high school senior Marcus “The Floater” Dewberry won the boys’ 400-meter dash in record time, despite his feet never once making contact with the ground. Witnesses report Dewberry, a B-minus physics student and self-identified “gravity skeptic,” hovered three inches above the image…
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International Ski Federation Unveils New Dress Code: No Jumping Allowed
In a bold move set to revolutionize winter sports fashion, the International Ski Federation (FIS) announced Tuesday a sweeping new dress code for all competitive skiers: No Jumping Allowed. Effective immediately, athletes attending FIS-sanctioned events must now adhere to a strict policy of keeping both skis, and at least one emotional support pole, firmly on…
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Federal Grant Program Accidentally Funds Full-Contact Chess League for Seventh Consecutive Year
For the seventh consecutive year, a clerical error in the Department of Civic Engagement’s grant distribution has funneled $2.3 million into the National Full-Contact Chess League, a sporting association best known for its signature “Bishops and Bruises” tournament and mandatory mouthguards. The misallocation, first uncovered in a 2018 audit, has persisted despite repeated assurances from…
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