Tag: public
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Nation Celebrates as Nepotism Finally Achieves Meritocratic Status with Synchronised Bureaucrat Batch Assignments
Washington, D.C. – In a landmark announcement this morning from the steps of the renamed Department of Equal Outcomes, President Madison P. Maxwell applauded the National Office of Appointments for elevating nepotism to official meritocratic status. The move comes after a five-year bipartisan study determined that synchronized bureaucrat batch assignments, when distributed among interrelated applicants,…
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Rising Political Star Unveils Revolutionary Plan to Solve National Issues by Simply Ignoring Them Until They Go Away
Washington, D.C. – In a move political observers are already calling “boldly inert,” Representative Carson Llewellyn (I-VA) introduced what he describes as a “revolutionary, hands-off policy platform,” promising to address the nation’s most pressing concerns by categorically ignoring them until, as predicted in his eighty-page proposal, “they resolve themselves through the natural passage of time…
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Stuff happens
Albany, NY – An official report released Tuesday confirmed that, despite months of cautious optimism and robust preventative measures, stuff continues to happen nationwide. The bipartisan Congressional Subcommittee on Unexpected Developments cited 2023’s annual Stuff Assessment as “alarming, but not surprising,” noting a persistent rise in unplanned occurrences across fifteen sectors. Analysts at the National…
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Government Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Support Autism by Listening to Uninformed Panel of Experts
Washington, D.C. – In a widely anticipated move, the Department of Health and Human Services unveiled yesterday its new initiative to support Americans with autism, relying exclusively on the recommendations of an advisory panel composed entirely of individuals with no prior knowledge of autism. According to the official statement, the “Uninformed Autism Strategies Council” convened…
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Nation Opts for New Freedom: The Right to Complain About Borders While Refusing to Fund Their Security
Washington, D.C. – In a decisive move late Tuesday, Congress overwhelmingly passed the Freedom to Complain About Borders Act, establishing every citizen’s unquestionable right to vocally lament the state of national frontiers, all while steadfastly refusing to allocate funds for their improvement. The measure, championed by a bipartisan coalition, enshrines in law both the right…
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