Tag: Politics
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Democratic Party Unveils Revolutionary ‘Minority Rules’ System, Citing Efficiency Over Relevance
Washington, D.C. – In a bold move touted as both groundbreaking and wildly inefficient, the Democratic Party has unveiled its new “Minority Rules” system, a revolutionary political strategy that prioritizes efficiency over relevance, much to the confusion of both party members and voters alike. “Frankly, we’ve been inspired by the sporting event we all adore:…
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Senator Files Emergency Legislation After Realizing His Own Reflection Represents Diversity He Fears
Washington, D.C. – In a groundbreaking discovery that has sent shockwaves through the political community, Senator Clyde Haversham of Idaho has filed emergency legislation in response to a startling encounter with his own reflection, which he claims represents the very diversity he has long opposed. The incident occurred early Tuesday morning in the Senator’s private…
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Politicians Launch New Self-Defense Classes After Realizing Their Security Detail Consists Mostly of Unarmed Optimists
In an unprecedented move to bolster personal safety, a bipartisan coalition of politicians has unanimously voted to implement a comprehensive self-defense training program, after the shocking realization that their once-vaunted security teams were essentially composed of hopeful dreamers armed only with earnest intentions and brightly colored lanyards. The new initiative, candidly named “Congressional Combat: Safety…
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Congressional Committee Accidentally Approves Bill Granting Land Rights to Genetically Modified Sea Cucumbers With Exploding Anuses
Capitol Hill was thrown into chaos Tuesday after the House Subcommittee on Agriculture, Aquaculture, and Explosive Posteriors inadvertently approved a sweeping bill that extends federal land rights to a recently engineered population of genetically modified sea cucumbers with – according to official language in the text – “regrettably volatile anuses.” The bill, officially titled The…
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Political Strategists Announce Plans to Hold Campaign Rallies Exclusively in Swing State Waffle Houses
In a groundbreaking move that is sure to enthrall undecided voters and possibly clog their arteries, top political strategists have declared that future campaign rallies will exclusively be held in swing state Waffle Houses. This decision marks a decisive turn in American politics, as candidates hope to siphon votes from the syrup-splattered booths of these…