Tag: Political Satire
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India Prepares Strategic Initiative to Build Dams Over Pakistan’s Sense of Humor
In an unprecedented move this week, Indian authorities have announced a comprehensive infrastructure project aimed at constructing a series of metaphorical dams over what remains of Pakistan’s sense of humor, citing “recurring floods of oversensitivity” as a regional threat to security and mutual understanding. “We can no longer ignore the torrents of outrage every time…
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Former National Security Advisor Claims Nuclear Threats Just Elaborate Plot for Attention, Recommends Sending Flowers
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprising reversal of decades-long foreign policy doctrine, former National Security Advisor Mallory Kent revealed Monday that nuclear threats issued by various world leaders are, according to her, “just elaborate ploys for attention,” and suggested that the international community could “de-escalate tensions by sending a nice bouquet, maybe some tulips or something seasonal.”…
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National Guard Briefly Activated to Supervise President’s Golf Game, Declares Victory Over Sand Trap Crisis
In an unprecedented display of resolve Saturday morning, the National Guard briefly deployed a full battalion to President Weldon’s favorite golf course to ensure the safe and dignified execution of his 27th “Executive Golf & Governance Summit.” By 10:23 a.m., following a tense standoff at the 14th-hole sand trap, victory was triumphantly declared over what…
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Federal Grant Program Accidentally Funds Full-Contact Chess League for Seventh Consecutive Year
For the seventh consecutive year, a clerical error in the Department of Civic Engagement’s grant distribution has funneled $2.3 million into the National Full-Contact Chess League, a sporting association best known for its signature “Bishops and Bruises” tournament and mandatory mouthguards. The misallocation, first uncovered in a 2018 audit, has persisted despite repeated assurances from…
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New Tax Code Reduces Forms by Simply Merging Nation’s Income with National Debt
WASHINGTON—In a sweeping simplification that officials praised as “both elegant and inevitable,” the federal government on Thursday unveiled a new tax code that reduces paperwork by combining every American’s income with the national debt into a single, all-purpose number that nobody has to look at ever again. “For years, taxpayers have pleaded with us to…
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Government Launches New Initiative To Distract Citizens From Old Initiatives
WASHINGTON—Insisting the measure would “modernize the nation’s cognitive bandwidth and restore momentum to the concept of momentum,” federal officials on Thursday unveiled a sweeping effort to redirect public focus away from an accumulation of previous efforts, many of which are reportedly still technically occurring somewhere. The plan, formally titled the National Attention Reallocation Framework, or…
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Economy Baffled as New Cryptocurrency Pegs Value to Average Height of Cabinet Ministers
In a groundbreaking move that has left economists scratching their heads and investors scrambling for measuring tapes, a new cryptocurrency, VertiCoin, has emerged on the market with its value pegged to the average height of cabinet ministers. The currency’s launch was announced at an exclusive gala event where attendees were required to present their own…