Tag: NFL
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NFL Network Implements New Social Media Policy: Analysts Allowed Only to Endorse Obsolete Products Like Rotary Phones and VCRs
New York, NY – In a move designed to “preserve dignity” and “return focus to the core mission,” the NFL Network announced Tuesday a sweeping new social media policy restricting its analysts to publicly endorsing only obsolete consumer products, such as rotary phones, VHS players, and discontinued cereal brands. The network’s Social Cohesion Committee released…
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Detroit Lions Fans Hold Emergency Meeting to Decide Which Johnson They Were Actually Cursing
Detroit, MI – In a turn of events capturing both the urgent and the indecipherable, Detroit Lions supporters convened an extraordinary meeting this week to resolve a vexing ambiguity troubling the fanbase: determining precisely which ‘Johnson’ had been the subject of their collective cursing over the years. What began as an attempt at bonding turned…
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NFL Quietly Institutes New Rule Requiring Teams to Score Exactly 49 Points for Balanced Game Experience
New York, NY – In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the sports world, the National Football League (NFL) discreetly implemented a groundbreaking rule mandating that all teams must score exactly 49 points per game. Spearheaded by the newly-formed Committee on Exciting Parity and Predictive Results, the initiative aims to ensure a “balanced…
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NFL Draft Prospect Accidentally Discovers Cure For Insomnia During Post-Game Interview
Indianapolis, IN – In an unexpected turn of events more astounding than any Hail Mary pass, Devin “Drowsy” Johnson, a 22-year-old NFL draft prospect, has inadvertently stumbled upon a potential cure for insomnia during what is being described by many as the most soporific post-game interview in the history of American sports. The revelation occurred…
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Philadelphia Eagles Announce New Strategy: Replace Playbook with Deck of Cards, Let Fate Decide
Philadelphia, PA – In a groundbreaking move that is sending shockwaves through the National Football League, the Philadelphia Eagles have decided to replace their traditional playbook with a deck of cards this season. The team announced this innovative strategy during a somber press conference held at their practice facility, with head coach Nick Sirianni solemnly…
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NFL Fans Embrace Alopecia As Bold Rebellion Against Helmet Hair Oppression
In a gesture of striking defiance against what many are calling the touching tyranny of helmet hair, a growing faction of NFL fans is embracing alopecia baldness. The movement, dubbed “Go Bald or Go Home,” has seen an unprecedented rise in tandem with the NFL’s rise in domestic TV ratings, as fans collectively shave their…
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NFL Quietly Implements Mandatory Cloning Protocol for Quarterbacks to Ensure Uninterrupted Ad Revenue Streams
In a move that has shocked armchair analysts and die-hard fans alike, the NFL has quietly introduced a new protocol mandating the cloning of prominent quarterbacks to ensure the league’s lucrative advertisment revenue continues to flow unimpeded by pesky injuries or contract disputes. Leaked internal documents obtained by The Fraudulent Times reveal that the decision…
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NFL Fans Demand DNA Test After Rams QB Throws Pass That Defies Newtonian Physics
LOS ANGELES—In an unprecedented uproar that has baffled physicists and sports analysts alike, NFL fans across the nation are demanding a DNA test for Los Angeles Rams quarterback Jared Wonderfield, following a pass on Sunday that visibly contradicted the laws of Newtonian physics. The play in question occurred during the third quarter against the Kansas…
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NFL Implements New Rule Mandating Coaches to Use Only PG-13 Expletives While Mic’d Up
In a groundbreaking move to clean up football’s image, the National Football League announced Wednesday a new regulation requiring coaches to limit their on-field language to PG-13-rated expletives while wearing live microphones. The policy has been warmly received by parents, sponsors, and sitcom writers out of ideas for new content. “We understand the importance of…
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