Tag: Government Initiatives
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New Federal Initiative Launches to Provide Emotional Support to Residents Traumatized by Terrifyingly Ordinary Rabbit
In an unprecedented move heralding a new chapter in public policy, the Department of Urban Wildlife and Emotional Health (DUWEH) has launched a federal initiative aimed at providing emotional support to citizens afflicted by encounters with Gerald, the infamously unremarkable rabbit known for his unnervingly average demeanor. In a press conference held on the White…
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Department of Agriculture Unveils Plan to Market Tentacled Rabbits as Eco-Friendly Pest Control
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold push to embrace sustainable agriculture, the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) announced Friday its controversial new initiative to promote the use of tentacled rabbits, or *Oryctolagus calamaroides*, as a “green” alternative to chemical pesticides—despite critics’ concerns about the possible unintended consequences of unleashing cephalopod-infused mammals in America’s heartland. “We’re very excited…
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Government Launches New Initiative To Distract Citizens From Old Initiatives
WASHINGTON—Insisting the measure would “modernize the nation’s cognitive bandwidth and restore momentum to the concept of momentum,” federal officials on Thursday unveiled a sweeping effort to redirect public focus away from an accumulation of previous efforts, many of which are reportedly still technically occurring somewhere. The plan, formally titled the National Attention Reallocation Framework, or…
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