Tag: financial markets
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Congressional Committee Accidentally Approves Bill Granting Land Rights to Genetically Modified Sea Cucumbers With Exploding Anuses
Capitol Hill was thrown into chaos Tuesday after the House Subcommittee on Agriculture, Aquaculture, and Explosive Posteriors inadvertently approved a sweeping bill that extends federal land rights to a recently engineered population of genetically modified sea cucumbers with – according to official language in the text – “regrettably volatile anuses.” The bill, officially titled The…
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Trader Nostalgically Reminisces About Chaotic Days Before Stocks Became Predictable Again
NEW YORK—With the S&P 500 closing at a tranquil 1.2% above its meticulously pre-programmed forecast for the 13th consecutive month, local trader Kyle Perkins, 41, found himself openly pining for the anarchic glory days when “anything could happen,” recalling with a wistful sigh how Wall Street once oscillated between euphoria and financial apocalypse every 30…
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