Pentagon Launches New Press Freedom Initiative: Journalists Now Allowed to Report What They’re Told Not to Know

Washington, D.C. – In a move hailed as a triumph for transparency, the Department of Defense today unveiled its new Press Freedom Initiative, formally permitting accredited journalists to report on information they are explicitly instructed not to possess. Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Alice Farthing issued a statement lauding the program as “a revitalization of core American liberties, provided they fit within pre-sanctioned parameters of ignorance.”

The policy, several years in the making, followed a comprehensive review conducted by the Joint Subcommittee on Official Secrecy and Public Enlightenment. The committee’s 428-page report found that prohibiting journalists from knowing what they shouldn’t know had “limited the full range and diversity of uninformed commentary” in the national discourse.

Under the new system, press briefings will begin with a “Not For Knowledge” segment, in which Defense officials will read aloud passages specifically classified as impermissible to comprehend. Reporters are then authorized to print these passages, provided they do so using special black ink on black paper, distributed in the accompanying Pentagon-provided blackout kits. “We trust the American public to read between the lines,” Maj. Farthing explained. “And, in the absence of visible text, to appreciate the infinite depth of our national security.”

Journalists seeking to ask follow-up questions about matters they are prohibited from understanding must submit queries via a new portal, SecureObfuscate.gov. Responses will be issued in the form of confidential non-disclosure agreements, hand-delivered by special courier pigeons wearing miniature camouflage vests. According to program architect Dr. Emory Voss, this “restores the symbolism of information flight without the burdensome risk of direct communication.”

Several news outlets have expressed tentative support for the changes, noting the improved workflow now that reporters can skip fact-gathering altogether. The National Press Club reported a 70% increase in time available for luncheons and crossword completions. “I used to spend six hours cross-referencing sources,” said veteran journalist Hugh Trimble. “Now I just publish what I was told not to know, and let the comments section fill in the narrative gaps.”

The program’s initial results are already apparent: recent headlines such as “Unconfirmed Operations Continue Somewhere, Possibly; Sources Say, Or Don’t Say” and “Pentagon Denies Knowing What It Isn’t Supposed To Know About Unknown Unknowns” have garnered record engagement. Congressional leaders welcomed the enhanced clarity, with Senator Mabel Girdley (D-UT) praising the “robust upscaling of invitational ignorance in media relations.”

While critics have cautioned that freedoms defined only by the boundaries of what cannot be known risk blending transparency with opacity, Department officials stress the inherent balance. “This is a new era,” Maj. Farthing concluded at Thursday’s briefing. “The less you know, the more you’re free to print it, as long as you can’t see it.”

As the Pentagon Press Freedom Initiative rolls out nationwide, observers agree: Never before have journalists been so empowered to report on what they can neither know, recall, nor confirm.