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Disneyland Employee Demoted to Human After Forgetting to Smile at Surveillance Camera in Break Room
ANAHEIM, CA—In a stunning display of the company’s commitment to authenticity, Disneyland officials confirmed Wednesday that longtime employee Jerry Windham, 47, was formally demoted to “human” status after failing to smile at a hidden surveillance camera located inside the cast member break room microwave. Windham, who, until Monday, spent 14 years sweating profusely inside the…
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Department of Agriculture Unveils Plan to Market Tentacled Rabbits as Eco-Friendly Pest Control
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold push to embrace sustainable agriculture, the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) announced Friday its controversial new initiative to promote the use of tentacled rabbits, or *Oryctolagus calamaroides*, as a “green” alternative to chemical pesticides—despite critics’ concerns about the possible unintended consequences of unleashing cephalopod-infused mammals in America’s heartland. “We’re very excited…
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Former National Security Advisor Claims Nuclear Threats Just Elaborate Plot for Attention, Recommends Sending Flowers
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprising reversal of decades-long foreign policy doctrine, former National Security Advisor Mallory Kent revealed Monday that nuclear threats issued by various world leaders are, according to her, “just elaborate ploys for attention,” and suggested that the international community could “de-escalate tensions by sending a nice bouquet, maybe some tulips or something seasonal.”…
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National Guard Briefly Activated to Supervise President’s Golf Game, Declares Victory Over Sand Trap Crisis
In an unprecedented display of resolve Saturday morning, the National Guard briefly deployed a full battalion to President Weldon’s favorite golf course to ensure the safe and dignified execution of his 27th “Executive Golf & Governance Summit.” By 10:23 a.m., following a tense standoff at the 14th-hole sand trap, victory was triumphantly declared over what…
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Niger Discovers ‘Mars Rock’ Actually Shoddy Moon Replica After Unpaid Invoice Floats Into Atmosphere
NIAMEY, Niger — Celebrations over Niger’s recent scientific “discovery” of a Mars rock in the remote Aïr Mountains came to a screeching halt this week, after an unpaid invoice labeled “Fake Moon Rock—Express Delivery” was found floating thirty feet above the local meteorite lab, apparently attached to the “martian” specimen with discount tape. Just last…
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Judges Implement ‘Honor System’ for Convicted Felons, Prompting Surge in Creative Writing Classes
In a sweeping reform intended to “restore dignity and nurture artistic merit,” the National Council of Judges announced Thursday that convicted felons will now be released on the ‘honor system,’ a policy shift credited with a 4000% uptick in demand for creative writing classes, poetry clubs, and experimental improvisational theater. Under the new program, felons…
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Trader Nostalgically Reminisces About Chaotic Days Before Stocks Became Predictable Again
NEW YORK—With the S&P 500 closing at a tranquil 1.2% above its meticulously pre-programmed forecast for the 13th consecutive month, local trader Kyle Perkins, 41, found himself openly pining for the anarchic glory days when “anything could happen,” recalling with a wistful sigh how Wall Street once oscillated between euphoria and financial apocalypse every 30…
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California Legislators Introduce Bill Mandating Emergency Exits In All Vortexes Of Disappointment
SACRAMENTO — In a bold move to address a rapidly growing public safety concern, California lawmakers introduced Senate Bill 4129 on Tuesday, requiring the installation of clearly marked emergency exits in all recognized local, municipal, and statewide vortexes of disappointment. The legislation, described as the first of its kind nationwide, targets areas where citizens are…
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