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High School Track Star Reclaims Victory by Implementing Intricate Maze from Former Labyrinth Designer Career
WILLOWDALE, OH—Area high school track phenom Nick Chalmers stunned the regional athletic community Thursday evening after integrating a complex, hedge-based labyrinth into the 400-meter relay, drawing on skills acquired during his six-year tenure as “Maze Artificer” at the now-foreclosed Wiltshire Hedge Mazes & Mini-Golf. The event, which began with standard stretching and modestly inspiring pep…
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High School Track Team Implements Bold New ‘Borrow A Rival’s Leg’ Strategy To Secure Victory
SEYMOUR, CT—In a controversial move that has upended local athletics, the Seymour High School track and field team debuted a radical new “Borrow A Rival’s Leg” strategy at this weekend’s regional championship—a tactical innovation Head Coach Blair Fenswick describes as “just good old-fashioned sportsmanship, with a twist.” Eyewitnesses say confusion erupted during the 4×400 meter…
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Nation Resolves to Ask Chicago Politely to Crime Less, Deploys National Guard for Negotiation Assistance
In a groundbreaking shift in federal security policy, the United States has formally requested that Chicago, Illinois, please consider criming just a bit less this year, rolling in six battalions of the National Guard to help the city brainstorm gentler and less felonious hobbies. The announcement came at an unprecedented White House press conference Monday,…
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Disneyland Employee Demoted to Human After Forgetting to Smile at Surveillance Camera in Break Room
ANAHEIM, CA—In a stunning display of the company’s commitment to authenticity, Disneyland officials confirmed Wednesday that longtime employee Jerry Windham, 47, was formally demoted to “human” status after failing to smile at a hidden surveillance camera located inside the cast member break room microwave. Windham, who, until Monday, spent 14 years sweating profusely inside the…
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Department of Agriculture Unveils Plan to Market Tentacled Rabbits as Eco-Friendly Pest Control
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold push to embrace sustainable agriculture, the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) announced Friday its controversial new initiative to promote the use of tentacled rabbits, or *Oryctolagus calamaroides*, as a “green” alternative to chemical pesticides—despite critics’ concerns about the possible unintended consequences of unleashing cephalopod-infused mammals in America’s heartland. “We’re very excited…
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Former National Security Advisor Claims Nuclear Threats Just Elaborate Plot for Attention, Recommends Sending Flowers
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprising reversal of decades-long foreign policy doctrine, former National Security Advisor Mallory Kent revealed Monday that nuclear threats issued by various world leaders are, according to her, “just elaborate ploys for attention,” and suggested that the international community could “de-escalate tensions by sending a nice bouquet, maybe some tulips or something seasonal.”…
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National Guard Briefly Activated to Supervise President’s Golf Game, Declares Victory Over Sand Trap Crisis
In an unprecedented display of resolve Saturday morning, the National Guard briefly deployed a full battalion to President Weldon’s favorite golf course to ensure the safe and dignified execution of his 27th “Executive Golf & Governance Summit.” By 10:23 a.m., following a tense standoff at the 14th-hole sand trap, victory was triumphantly declared over what…
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Niger Discovers ‘Mars Rock’ Actually Shoddy Moon Replica After Unpaid Invoice Floats Into Atmosphere
NIAMEY, Niger — Celebrations over Niger’s recent scientific “discovery” of a Mars rock in the remote Aïr Mountains came to a screeching halt this week, after an unpaid invoice labeled “Fake Moon Rock—Express Delivery” was found floating thirty feet above the local meteorite lab, apparently attached to the “martian” specimen with discount tape. Just last…
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