Lawmakers Celebrate First Bipartisan Agreement in Years: The Merits of a Long Nap During Government Shutdown

Washington, DC – Congressional lawmakers from both parties achieved a rare moment of unity this week, issuing a joint statement affirming the benefits of taking an extended nap during the ongoing government shutdown. The accord, described by one analyst as “historic in its lethargy,” marks the first cross-aisle consensus recorded since 2019, according to Congressional Office of Memory and Comity records.

The bipartisan understanding emerged after a series of late-night closed-door meetings reportedly left participants too drowsy to argue. “Frankly, the best thing we can do for the American people right now is take some personal time and get our rest,” said Senator Lorraine Kettrell (R-NV), whose proposal, S. 1243, is the first official legislative endorsement of synchronized napping since the Eisenhower administration. Her Democratic counterpart, Rep. Alan Huertas (D-MN), added, “A nap clears the mind. By tomorrow, I may have dreamed a compromise that isn’t entirely untenable.”

Federal agencies have dutifully circulated new guidance on nap implementation. The Office of Personnel Reassignment advised essential employees to “lie face-down on their desks between noon and 5 p.m., assuming their ergonomic chairs haven’t been repossessed.” Meanwhile, several committees have convened to study restorative sleep best practices, with the House Subcommittee on Hypnopolitics releasing a 236-page white paper, “The Restful Republic,” suggesting hourly check-ins to confirm nap compliance.

At a press conference, Congressional physicians emphasized the health benefits. Dr. Brenda Calliope, Head of Senate Slumbers, cited classified data showing that “congressional REM deficits correlate directly with protracted filibusters and incoherent amendments.” The Congressional Accountability Office noted early improvements: the average filibuster shrank by 73 minutes as several senators simply nodded off mid-sentence, streamlining previously interminable debates.

Concerns about public perception have been dismissed by the Joint Committee on Optics, which issued a statement clarifying that the image of a sleeping legislature is “preferable to the appearance of conscious inaction.” An emergency $14 million pilot program, “Dreams for America,” will fund biometric blankets embroidered with the words “Serving You, Subconsciously.” Early focus groups indicate modest voter approval, though some respondents expressed anxiety after “witnessing Senator Priebus softly mutter new appropriations bills in his sleep.”

The agreement has led to some practical complications, including competing nap schedules between chambers, several incidents of custodial staff accidently vacuuming on top of recumbent representatives, and an uptick in janitorial overtime for blanket fort deconstruction. According to an internal survey, 61 percent of lawmakers reported dreams featuring alternate revenue formulas, while 9 percent recalled visions of a “somnolent budget balance fairy” depositing bills under their pillows.

Negotiations on post-nap activities remain ongoing, though majority and minority leaders hinted at the possibility of a mutually agreed-upon latte break. Absent actual legislative progress, observers say bipartisan napping may emerge as a new model for governing through inertia, allowing government operations to quietly stall while officials drift into what one aide called “a state of visionary torpor.”

As the shutdown enters its fourth week, Washington’s corridors remain hushed, punctuated only by the occasional soft snore and the muted shuffle of interns distributing sleep masks. For now, lawmakers appear content, having finally rested on common ground.