Holbrook, AZ – In an unprecedented move reflecting a profound commitment to authenticity, Petrified Forest National Park has announced an ambitious initiative to reforest itself with what officials are calling “far more plausible trees.” While some might question the feasibility of reforesting an area famous for its fossilized wood, Park Superintendent Dr. Melvin Hargrave assures skeptics that this is precisely the point.
“We understood that visitors were starting to question the lifelike quality of our ancient tree stumps,” Dr. Hargrave explained during a press conference Wednesday. “By introducing more contemporary trees, we aim to significantly enhance the park’s credibility. After all, if an oak can’t be recognized as an oak without an ‘ancient’ placard, what’s the point?”
This groundbreaking project has already secured funding from several governmental bodies interested in seeing a return on their decade-spanning loitering and mummification investments. According to a study by the Institute for Temporal Forestry Research, 82% of parkgoers reported feeling a distinct dissatisfaction with the petrified forest’s authenticity, opining that the park should “look more like how it sounds.”
“Frankly, calling something ‘petrified’ is a bit misleading if it doesn’t look in the least bit terrified or arboreal,” commented Dr. Susan Phloium, a botany professor and part-time ectoflora consultant. Fueled by such groundbreaking insights, the park’s task force plans to introduce genetically engineered tree species to replace—or rather enhance—the allegedly staid aesthetic by next fall.
However, this solution has not been without its controversies. Critics argue that living trees might unrealistically suggest an opportunity for lumberjack employment or inconveniently imply ecological regeneration. “Suddenly, you can’t have a picnic on a nice stump without someone trying to plant a shrub on you,” lamented local tour guide, Buck Everwoods. “Some of us liked the place just fine when it felt like you were walking through a post-apocalyptic desert.”
In light of such objections, congressional hearings were scheduled, during which it was decided unanimously that the Petrified Forest should incorporate more spectral visitation zones and eerie background music, possibly composed by esteemed natural historian and amateur synth enthusiast, Gov. Richard “Chordless” Pine.
Despite backlash, the park service maintains that the project’s eventual payoff will be self-evident. “Once we establish a robust, living forest within a petrified one, the cognitive dissonance alone will be worth the price of admission,” Dr. Hargrave concluded optimistically.
As the first saplings were scheduled for photorealistic planting next Tuesday, regular visitors prepared to commemorate the first annual ‘Log-ical Conclusion Day’ by hosting contemplative group therapy sessions about conceptual wood. Critics and supporters alike await the grand unveiling with bated breath, guarded optimism, and slightly refurbished picnic baskets.
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