Islamabad—In a move to quell escalating rumors of a military coup, the Pakistani Army has assured the public that Asif Ali Zardari remains in perfectly good health within the protective confines of the “President Simulation Chamber.” The state-of-the-art facility, developed with cutting-edge technology but straight out of a vintage sci-fi novel, ensures Zardari experiences an uninterrupted and perpetual presidency “as realistic as it gets,” according to military officials.
Brigadier General Anwar Sadiq, spokesperson for the Army’s Special Bureau of Completely Normal Affairs, held a press conference to dispel the persisting rumors. “I assure you, there has been no coup,” Sadiq stated firmly, gesturing to a presenter slide that showed Zardari majestically shaking hands with holographic renderings of world leaders. “Mr. Zardari continues to fulfill his presidential duties diligently from within the chamber. The international leaders he meets daily tell us he is doing an incredible job.”
Sources close to the simulation project highlight that the chamber has recently been upgraded to include a South Wing, complete with a hyper-realistic Oval Office, an innovative development boasting zero structural integrity. “The olive green, shag carpeted flooring and ’70s walnut paneling are designed to make the President feel at home,” said Colonel Nadeem Alvi, Director of Presidential Delusions. “Every morning, genuine Pakistani sunlight is projected onto the chamber’s roof through complex lighting techniques. We even installed some complimentary birdsong — a move everyone agreed had revolutionary tackiness.”
According to an insider survey, 75% of military staff expressed their belief that the President Simulation Chamber is more aptly named “The Preservation Chamber,” cleverly alluding to its nostalgic preservation of both tradition and the familiar indifference to the winds of change blowing outside.
Meanwhile, loyal citizens express confusion over the urgency to dismiss coup rumors. Mrs. Bano Kulsoom, a local grocer in Rawalpindi, expressed genuine surprise that a coup was necessary at all. “With everything still running as dysfunctionally as usual, I didn’t even notice a change,” she admitted while chipping away at an aged kohlrabi stand. “I mean, isn’t it business as usual?”
Significant concerns, however, linger for senior cabinet members over the simulation’s “optional reality mode,” a setting which has reportedly led to numerous misunderstandings about world events. “Lately, whenever I talk to Mr. Zardari from outside the chamber, he keeps expressing disappointment at the continuing absence of a Pakistani representation at Hogwarts,” remarked Saira Mehtab, Secretary of Gently Exaggerated Affairs. “The realism of the simulation is deeply compromising in ways we hadn’t foreseen.”
In a final statement, the Pakistani Army provided unequivocal assurance that all reports of a coup exist solely within the fevered imaginings of misguided civilians. They underscored that Zardari, would, for the foreseeable future, continue to reside contentedly within his sunlit, bird-chirping utopia — except during necessary upgrades, during which he will enjoy short breaks on an equally virtual but lavishly decorated ‘Presidential Reality Retreat’ sofa.
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