The Fraudulent Times

  • Local Man Accidentally Swallows Pride While Bending Over to Pick Up Bootstraps

    In an unprecedented display of self-reliance gone awry, local man Peter Thompson found himself in a peculiar bind last Tuesday when he inadvertently swallowed his own pride while attempting to hoist himself by his bootstraps. The incident occurred at precisely 8:15 AM, seconds after a motivational video on the virtues of hard work and perseverance…

  • Economically Savvy Millennials Investing Heavily in Avocado Toast Futures

    In a move that has shocked the financial world and possibly even ripened the Tour de France, millennials across the globe are investing heavily in the previously uncharted territory of avocado toast futures. This bold financial strategy, first seen on a blog championed by influencers who are adept at both twerking and trading, promises to…

  • Local Man Heroically Battles Rising Cost of Living by Switching from Avocados to More Cost-Effective Gravel

    In a commendable display of frugality and intestinal fortitude, local man Jonathan Frumps has declared victory over the inordinately surging cost of living by substituting his beloved avocados—a former staple of his chipotle-smeared lifestyle—with the significantly more economical option of gravel. For years, Frumps was an ardent devotee of the nutrient-rich, albeit financially draining, alligator…

  • Local Man Proudly Announces New Year’s Resolution to Get More Excuses Ready for Next Year’s Resolutions

    In a groundbreaking move for the world of self-improvement and deferment, local man Steve Thompson has confidently announced his New Year’s resolution for 2024: to be better prepared with excuses for not fulfilling his 2025 resolutions. Thompson, a 34-year-old professional procrastinator and part-time graphic designer, shared his paradigm-shifting plan at a holiday gathering, much to…

  • Nation Prepares to Celebrate Income Inequality Awareness Month by Ignoring it Completely

    In a bid to demonstrate their collective zeal for social justice, citizens across the nation are eagerly gearing up for Income Inequality Awareness Month, colloquially known as “Ignorance is Bliss Month.” The month-long observance, which aims to raise awareness about the ever-widening socioeconomic chasm, is expected to be lavishly ignored by everyone who champions the…

  • Local Woman Achieves Nirvana Through Six Simple Yoga Poses and Copious Amounts of Merlot

    In a groundbreaking development that has shaken the very foundations of spiritual practice, local yoga enthusiast and busy real estate agent Susan Klein claims to have reached a state of nirvana using an unconventional method involving half a dozen yoga poses and an equally substantial quantity of Merlot. According to Klein, the path to enlightenment…

  • Local Man Achieves Spiritual Enlightenment, Immediately Sells Out with Self-Help Book Deal

    In a monumental feat of existential perseverance, local resident Trevor Wistful has reportedly achieved spiritual enlightenment, a state of being revered by sages, monks, and now book publishers. Just moments after receiving the transcendent understanding of life’s deepest mysteries, Wistful found himself weighed down not by material desires, but rather by an overwhelming urge to…

  • Local Man Heroically Fills Reusable Water Bottle with Bottled Water to Save Planet

    In a bold move that’s sure to make waves in environmental circles, local hero and part-time eco-warrior Todd Branson has taken a monumental step towards saving the planet—by filling his reusable water bottle with water from a plastic bottle. Friends and family immediately recognized the selfless act as nothing short of revolutionary. Todd, a 32-year-old…

  • Local Man Completes Full Week Of Beginner Meditation Course Without Achieving Enlightenment, Demands Refund

    In a stunning revelation that has shaken the foundations of luxury mindfulness retreats everywhere, local man Kyle Patterson has completed a full week of a beginner meditation course without achieving the enlightenment he anticipated, leading him to demand a full refund from the Pure Tranquility Wellness Center. Patterson, a 32-year-old account manager and self-proclaimed “seeker…

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