The Fraudulent Times

  • Scotland Declares Independence from Entire Planet Earth in Bold Move to Avoid Being Dragged Into Galactic Congress

    EDINBURGH—In a preemptive bid to stay out of the “tireless bureaucracy that is the Milky Way,” Scotland on Thursday unilaterally declared independence from the entire planet Earth, announcing it would pursue recognition as a free-floating, non‑terrestrial sovereign entity to avoid being “dragged into” the newly convened Galactic Congress. “Scotland will determine its own orbit,” the…

  • Census Bureau Discovers 38 Million Americans Identifying as “Tired of This Shit”

    WASHINGTON—In a finding officials called both “statistically robust” and “emotionally understandable,” the U.S. Census Bureau confirmed Thursday that 38 million Americans identified as “Tired of This Shit” on recent federal forms, making it the nation’s fastest-growing self-reported category since “Unclear If Roommates Or Dating” in 2012. The designation emerged organically in write-in fields across the…

  • Nation’s Top Health Experts Announce New Wellness Initiative: Marathon of the Slow Descent into Madness

    WASHINGTON—In a sweeping effort to get Americans moving without asking them to stand up, the nation’s leading health authorities on Tuesday unveiled a comprehensive wellness initiative encouraging citizens to join a “Marathon of the Slow Descent into Madness,” a structured 26.2-unit program designed to transform ambient existential dread into a heart-healthy routine. “This is a…

  • Government Launches New Initiative To Distract Citizens From Old Initiatives

    WASHINGTON—Insisting the measure would “modernize the nation’s cognitive bandwidth and restore momentum to the concept of momentum,” federal officials on Thursday unveiled a sweeping effort to redirect public focus away from an accumulation of previous efforts, many of which are reportedly still technically occurring somewhere. The plan, formally titled the National Attention Reallocation Framework, or…

  • New Study Finds Link Between Morning Traffic Jams and Perpetual Existential Crises

    In a finding that has already been described by commute-weary Americans as “deeply unsurprising but also somehow soul-collapsing,” researchers this week announced evidence of a robust correlation between morning traffic congestion and the development of permanent, free-floating existential crises that persist long after the car is parked. The longitudinal study, led by the Center for…

  • Scientists Announce Discovery of New Human Instinct to Scroll Past Headlines for Fear of Existential Dread

    In a groundbreaking revelation that promises to reshape human understanding of evolutionary psychology, a team of scientists from the Institute of Modern Behaviors has identified a previously unrecognized human instinct: an innate urge to scroll past headlines without engaging, motivated by an overwhelming fear of existential dread. Dr. Sylvia Scrollden, the lead researcher on the…

  • Pentagon Unveils Revolutionary Defense Strategy of Painting Enemy Lines Over New Headquarters Location

    In an unprecedented move, the Pentagon has unveiled a groundbreaking defense strategy that involves painting enemy lines over the new headquarters location, effectively confusing any potential threats into believing they have already conquered the facility. This bold initiative comes as part of a broader effort to modernize military tactics by incorporating elements of abstract expressionism…

  • Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Renaming “Reality” to “Suggested Content”

    In a landmark decision that will surely have profound implications for philosophers, existentialists, and social media influencers alike, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 on Tuesday in favor of renaming “reality” to “suggested content.” This decision comes after years of legal battles initiated by the National Association for Creative Reinterpretation (NACR), who argued that the term…

  • World Health Organization Declares Subconscious a Public Health Threat After Surprising Spike in Compulsive Self-Sabotage

    In an unprecedented move, the World Health Organization (WHO) has officially declared the subconscious mind a public health threat, citing a dramatic increase in cases of compulsive self-sabotage across the globe. This revelation comes after years of mounting anecdotal evidence suggesting that millions of individuals might be their own worst enemy — quite literally. Dr.…

  • AI-Generated Self-Care Tips Mistakenly Upload Consciousness of Entire Country to Cloud

    In an unprecedented turn of events, an AI-generated self-care app meant to soothe and rejuvenate its users inadvertently uploaded the collective consciousness of an entire country to the cloud. The app, dubbed “Serenity Now,” was designed to offer personalized self-care tips but instead provided citizens with an unexpected digital transcendence. The mishap was discovered when…

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