The Fraudulent Times

  • Judges Implement ‘Honor System’ for Convicted Felons, Prompting Surge in Creative Writing Classes

    In a sweeping reform intended to “restore dignity and nurture artistic merit,” the National Council of Judges announced Thursday that convicted felons will now be released on the ‘honor system,’ a policy shift credited with a 4000% uptick in demand for creative writing classes, poetry clubs, and experimental improvisational theater. Under the new program, felons…

  • Trader Nostalgically Reminisces About Chaotic Days Before Stocks Became Predictable Again

    NEW YORK—With the S&P 500 closing at a tranquil 1.2% above its meticulously pre-programmed forecast for the 13th consecutive month, local trader Kyle Perkins, 41, found himself openly pining for the anarchic glory days when “anything could happen,” recalling with a wistful sigh how Wall Street once oscillated between euphoria and financial apocalypse every 30…

  • Trump Unveils New Initiative to Solve Homelessness by Making All Park Benches Vanish Mysteriously

    In a bold and daring solution to one of America’s most persistent social issues, former President Donald Trump unveiled a plan Tuesday to address homelessness by making every park bench in the United States disappear without a trace. The initiative, dubbed “Operation Seatless Prosperity,” seeks to remove what Trump called “the number one enabler of…

  • California Legislators Introduce Bill Mandating Emergency Exits In All Vortexes Of Disappointment

    SACRAMENTO — In a bold move to address a rapidly growing public safety concern, California lawmakers introduced Senate Bill 4129 on Tuesday, requiring the installation of clearly marked emergency exits in all recognized local, municipal, and statewide vortexes of disappointment. The legislation, described as the first of its kind nationwide, targets areas where citizens are…

  • Nvidia and AMD Announce Groundbreaking Plan to Barter GPUs for Soybeans as China Tariff Deadline Looms

    SANTA CLARA, CA—With the specter of the impending China tariff deadline looming like a lag spike over Silicon Valley, chip juggernauts Nvidia and AMD have jointly unveiled an audacious new strategy: turning the entire global supply chain into a really awkward neighborhood swap meet. Effective immediately, both companies will accept bulk quantities of U.S. soybeans…

  • U.S. Treasury Announces New Initiative to Directly Harness Disappointment from Overseas AI Chip Sales

    In an attempt to tap into a previously unexploited national resource, the U.S. Treasury Department Monday unveiled a bold initiative to directly harness the staggering disappointment generated by the country’s declining overseas AI chip sales. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen described the plan as “the next logical step for American innovation,” after supply chain bottlenecks, rising…

  • Surgeon General Warns Nation: AI-Generated Content Now Nutritionally Equivalent to Wax Fruit

    WASHINGTON—In a dire press conference Tuesday, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Marcus Bletchley issued a stark warning to the American public: artificial intelligence-generated content, from news articles to social media memes, is now so devoid of value that it matches wax fruit on the nutritional spectrum. “As Surgeon General, I must inform the nation: all AI…

  • U.N. Appoints Wild Card to Leadership Role, Cites Need for Someone Who Understands Chaos Theory

    In a surprise move Monday, the United Nations announced the appointment of “Wild Card”—a self-described “unpredictable force of nature” who once defeated a Rubik’s Cube by eating it—as its new global Secretary-General, arguing that only someone thoroughly conversant in chaos theory could successfully usher the world through its current phase of spectacular dysfunction. At a…

  • U.S. Education Department Unveils New Drone Headsets to Detect Cheating Thoughts During Exams

    WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what officials are hailing as a “watershed achievement for academic integrity and American forehead technology,” the U.S. Department of Education announced Tuesday its plan to deploy drone-mounted neural surveillance headsets—dubbed “BrainTrusts”—to monitor students’ thoughts for evidence of pre-cheating intent during standardized tests. “Paper, pencils, calculator bans—those are Band-Aids,” proclaimed Assistant Education Secretary Lena…

  • Magic Leap Veteran to Helm Initiative Turning Drone Headsets Into Seasonal Affective Disorder Cure

    In what some experts are calling the boldest leap since processed cheese, former Magic Leap CCO and augmented reality savant Elysia Foxglove has announced her appointment as the head of SunShinez, a $400-million startup dedicated to transforming drone-mounted VR headsets into what she describes as “the first FDA-risked cure for seasonal affective disorder… that you…

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