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High School Athlete Exploits Little-Known Loophole In Physics To Win Race Without Touching Ground
MONTGOMERY, AL—Spectators at the regional track-and-field meet were left dumbstruck Friday as local high school senior Marcus “The Floater” Dewberry won the boys’ 400-meter dash in record time, despite his feet never once making contact with the ground. Witnesses report Dewberry, a B-minus physics student and self-identified “gravity skeptic,” hovered three inches above the image…
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International Ski Federation Unveils New Dress Code: No Jumping Allowed
In a bold move set to revolutionize winter sports fashion, the International Ski Federation (FIS) announced Tuesday a sweeping new dress code for all competitive skiers: No Jumping Allowed. Effective immediately, athletes attending FIS-sanctioned events must now adhere to a strict policy of keeping both skis, and at least one emotional support pole, firmly on…
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Olympic Committee Introduces New ‘Windproof’ Human-Classified Jump Suits Made Entirely of Concrete
In a bold move to “bring fairness, stability, and literal rigidity” to the highly competitive world of Olympic ski jumping, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has unveiled the first-ever line of “windproof human-classified jump suits” constructed entirely out of concrete. During a ceremonial press event—delayed three hours as crew members attempted to haul the suits…
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Crypto Enthusiasts Accidentally Fund WNBA’s Most Lucrative Season After Mistaking Sex Toy Incident for NFT Launch
In what analysts are hailing as “the biggest misunderstanding since Blockbuster declined to buy Netflix,” the Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) announced today that its 2024 season will be the most financially successful on record—thanks entirely to a coalition of crypto investors who mistakenly funneled $74 million into the league after confusing a locker room…
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Federal Grant Program Accidentally Funds Full-Contact Chess League for Seventh Consecutive Year
For the seventh consecutive year, a clerical error in the Department of Civic Engagement’s grant distribution has funneled $2.3 million into the National Full-Contact Chess League, a sporting association best known for its signature “Bishops and Bruises” tournament and mandatory mouthguards. The misallocation, first uncovered in a 2018 audit, has persisted despite repeated assurances from…
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Pop Star’s Battle Over Home Gym Plans Uncovers Secret Underground Neighbors’ Council Ruling Entire Neighborhood
In what local officials are calling “the most explosive revelation since that time someone found a secret Hot Topic in a suburban basement,” international pop star Cassie Carrera’s attempt to install a home gym has inadvertently uncovered an elaborate subterranean government operating beneath the tranquil streets of Whispering Pines Estates. Carrera, best known for her…
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British Pop Star’s Dispute with Neighbors Over Gym Plans Evolves Into Full-Blown Renaissance Fair with Catapults and Jousting
LONDON—What began as a routine zoning disagreement escalated unexpectedly into a pageant of pageantry on Thursday, when pop sensation Sophie Byng’s campaign to add an indoor gymnasium to her Notting Hill townhouse transformed her quiet street into a living tableau of medieval England complete with knights, minstrels, and poorly maintained siege weaponry. The conflict ignited…
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Muskogee Politician Cleared of Blame After Fateful Board Meeting Decides Gravity Not in Their Jurisdiction
MUSKOGEE, OK — After weeks of intense scrutiny and public outcry, City Council member Randy Tuffin was fully exonerated Tuesday when the Muskogee Board of Fundamental Powers unanimously agreed that gravity is, in fact, outside the scope of municipal jurisdiction. The embattled councilman had come under fire last month after video surfaced of him spilled…
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