The Fraudulent Times

  • Local Man Proudly Declares Sixth Coffee of the Day “A Healthier Lifestyle Choice than Therapy”

    In a groundbreaking declaration that has left the wellness community buzzing, local man Roger Simpkins proudly hailed his sixth cup of coffee as “a healthier lifestyle choice than therapy.” Roger, who considers himself an amateur coffee connoisseur and a professional office worker, made the self-congratulatory statement while jittering his way through another riveting meeting on…

  • Nation Warmly Welcomes New Election Season with Joyous Ritual of Blocking Relatives on Social Media

    In a time-honored tradition that has become as American as apple pie and pre-dawn corporate sales, citizens across the nation have joyfully ushered in a fresh election season by commencing the ceremonious blocking of relatives on various social media platforms. What began as an avoidance tactic to sidestep Aunt Linda’s post about kombucha hauls has…

  • Local Man Heroically Saves $100 a Year by Reusing Plastic Bag That Cost $18 in Therapy to Overcome Environmental Guilt

    In a powerful display of environmental heroism and financial pragmatism, local resident Greg Jamison has managed to save approximately $100 annually by diligently reusing a single plastic bag, though the journey to achieve this feat was as costly as it was noble. Sources confirm the plastic bag, originally acquired during an impromptu ketchup purchase, now…

  • Congress Holds Emergency Session to Debate Whether Pizza Is a Sandwich

    In an unprecedented move signaling both legislative agility and culinary curiosity, Congress has convened an emergency session to deliberate what some are calling “the most pivotal gastronomic quandary of our time”: whether pizza qualifies as a sandwich. Lawmakers, temporarily suspending discourse on budget appropriations and foreign policy concerns, have devoted their attention to dissecting the…

  • Local Man Successfully Completes Juice Cleanse, Immediately Breaks Out All Over Body in Smugness Rash

    In what health officials are calling a breakthrough for alternative wellness, local man Greg Clitheroe has completed a five-day juice cleanse and is now experiencing what experts describe as an acute case of smugness. Eruptions of conceit have appeared noticeably across his arms and face, causing no small amount of discomfort to those around him.…

  • Local Man Achieves Enlightenment After Finally Realizing He’s Not the Main Character of His Friend’s Wedding

    In a stunning display of unexpected introspection, local man Brad Thompson reportedly achieved instantaneous enlightenment last Saturday when he came to the profound realization that he was not, in fact, the main character of his friend Steve’s wedding. This epiphany, sources confirm, occurred during the exchange of vows, as Thompson found himself seated at the…

  • Local Man Finds Inner Peace After Learning to Ignore Own Gut Instincts

    In a groundbreaking personal development that defies centuries of evolutionary programming, local man Brian Davison, 34, claims he has achieved unprecedented levels of inner peace by systematically ignoring every instinctive thought or feeling produced by his own gut. “This is the tranquility I’ve always been promised by wellness bloggers, harbingers of mindfulness, and self-appointed life…

  • Local Man Discovers Inner Peace After Successfully Unsubscribing from Streaming Service’s Monthly Emails

    In a breakthrough that promises to redefine societal concepts of tranquility, local resident Greg Simmons has reportedly achieved a state of profound inner peace, ambiance ordinarily reserved for mountaintop meditation retreats, simply by unsubscribing from the relentless monthly emails of a ubiquitous streaming service. Simmons, who until recently was grappling with the existential turmoil of…

  • Political Strategists Announce Plans to Hold Campaign Rallies Exclusively in Swing State Waffle Houses

    In a groundbreaking move that is sure to enthrall undecided voters and possibly clog their arteries, top political strategists have declared that future campaign rallies will exclusively be held in swing state Waffle Houses. This decision marks a decisive turn in American politics, as candidates hope to siphon votes from the syrup-splattered booths of these…

  • Local Man Heroically Saves $3.25 on Coffee by Forgoing Dinner for Entire Week

    In what many are hailing as the boldest financial maneuver since the invention of the coupon, local man Dave Peterson has successfully saved $3.25 on his weekly coffee purchase by taking the minor inconvenience of not eating dinner for seven consecutive days. The 34-year-old software engineer adopted this avant-garde budgeting strategy amidst glowing praise from…

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