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Underfunded Cybersecurity Task Force Discovers Fast Food Chain Secretly Outsourcing Customer Complaints to Fictional Email Addresses
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After months of exhaustive investigation and exactly zero dollars in additional funding, the National Cybersecurity Task Force announced Monday that it had uncovered Subway’s most creative cost-cutting measure yet: outsourcing all digital customer complaints to fictional email addresses, including “helpful.hamster@freshmail.net” and “manager404@inboxless.org.” “We’d been tracking a suspicious decline in complaint resolution rates among major…
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U.S. Unveils New Foreign Policy Strategy: Roll of Dice Determines Sanctions for Oil Purchases
In a groundbreaking move set to redefine global diplomacy, the U.S. State Department this week unveiled its new “Dice of Destiny” foreign policy, in which the application of oil sanctions against foreign nations will now be determined entirely by rolling a pair of regulation Las Vegas casino dice. Addressing the press from a hastily assembled…
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Western Australia Announces New Hospital Policy: Patients Encouraged To Self-Treat Using YouTube Tutorials
PERTH, AUSTRALIA — In a bold move celebrated as “21st-century healthcare reform” by its architects and “utter madness” by just about everyone else, the Western Australia Department of Health unveiled a new policy Thursday encouraging all hospital patients to opt for self-treatment—provided they follow instructions from high-quality YouTube tutorials. The initiative, titled “Operation Do-It-Yourself,” was…
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Congressional Committee Accidentally Approves Bill Granting Land Rights to Genetically Modified Sea Cucumbers With Exploding Anuses
Capitol Hill was thrown into chaos Tuesday after the House Subcommittee on Agriculture, Aquaculture, and Explosive Posteriors inadvertently approved a sweeping bill that extends federal land rights to a recently engineered population of genetically modified sea cucumbers with – according to official language in the text – “regrettably volatile anuses.” The bill, officially titled The…
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EPA Quietly Approves Stomach-in-Mouth Discharge as Renewable Energy Source
WASHINGTON—In a move hailed by vomit enthusiasts and renewable energy investors alike, the Environmental Protection Agency discreetly approved the use of stomach-in-mouth discharge—commonly known as “throw-up”—as a clean, renewable energy source earlier this week. The policy change, buried on page 448 of a 600-page environmental impact report, is already sending ripples through both the energy…
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High School Track Star Reclaims Victory by Implementing Intricate Maze from Former Labyrinth Designer Career
WILLOWDALE, OH—Area high school track phenom Nick Chalmers stunned the regional athletic community Thursday evening after integrating a complex, hedge-based labyrinth into the 400-meter relay, drawing on skills acquired during his six-year tenure as “Maze Artificer” at the now-foreclosed Wiltshire Hedge Mazes & Mini-Golf. The event, which began with standard stretching and modestly inspiring pep…
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High School Track Team Implements Bold New ‘Borrow A Rival’s Leg’ Strategy To Secure Victory
SEYMOUR, CT—In a controversial move that has upended local athletics, the Seymour High School track and field team debuted a radical new “Borrow A Rival’s Leg” strategy at this weekend’s regional championship—a tactical innovation Head Coach Blair Fenswick describes as “just good old-fashioned sportsmanship, with a twist.” Eyewitnesses say confusion erupted during the 4×400 meter…
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Nation Resolves to Ask Chicago Politely to Crime Less, Deploys National Guard for Negotiation Assistance
In a groundbreaking shift in federal security policy, the United States has formally requested that Chicago, Illinois, please consider criming just a bit less this year, rolling in six battalions of the National Guard to help the city brainstorm gentler and less felonious hobbies. The announcement came at an unprecedented White House press conference Monday,…
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