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Federal Grant Program Accidentally Funds Full-Contact Chess League for Seventh Consecutive Year
For the seventh consecutive year, a clerical error in the Department of Civic Engagement’s grant distribution has funneled $2.3 million into the National Full-Contact Chess League, a sporting association best known for its signature “Bishops and Bruises” tournament and mandatory mouthguards. The misallocation, first uncovered in a 2018 audit, has persisted despite repeated assurances from…
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Pop Star’s Battle Over Home Gym Plans Uncovers Secret Underground Neighbors’ Council Ruling Entire Neighborhood
In what local officials are calling “the most explosive revelation since that time someone found a secret Hot Topic in a suburban basement,” international pop star Cassie Carrera’s attempt to install a home gym has inadvertently uncovered an elaborate subterranean government operating beneath the tranquil streets of Whispering Pines Estates. Carrera, best known for her…
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British Pop Star’s Dispute with Neighbors Over Gym Plans Evolves Into Full-Blown Renaissance Fair with Catapults and Jousting
LONDON—What began as a routine zoning disagreement escalated unexpectedly into a pageant of pageantry on Thursday, when pop sensation Sophie Byng’s campaign to add an indoor gymnasium to her Notting Hill townhouse transformed her quiet street into a living tableau of medieval England complete with knights, minstrels, and poorly maintained siege weaponry. The conflict ignited…
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Muskogee Politician Cleared of Blame After Fateful Board Meeting Decides Gravity Not in Their Jurisdiction
MUSKOGEE, OK — After weeks of intense scrutiny and public outcry, City Council member Randy Tuffin was fully exonerated Tuesday when the Muskogee Board of Fundamental Powers unanimously agreed that gravity is, in fact, outside the scope of municipal jurisdiction. The embattled councilman had come under fire last month after video surfaced of him spilled…
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Curfew checkpoints start after final whistle, enabling attendance counts before enforcement.
Curfew checkpoints start after final whistle, enabling attendance counts before enforcement Millford, Pa. — City officials this week outlined a curfew enforcement plan that will activate only after high school football games conclude, a schedule they said balances public safety with the school district’s need to finish counting attendees before minors are classified as being…
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SummerSlam 2025 Ends With Universal Agreement That Reality Is Optional, Wrestling Is Forever
In a historic culmination of athletic theatrics, pyrotechnic excess, and increasingly blurred lines between performance and perception, SummerSlam 2025 concluded Sunday with a standing ovation, a title change, and a rare spontaneous treaty among 68,000 attendees, 12 million pay-per-view viewers, and the wrestlers themselves in support of a simple premise: reality is, at best, negotiable,…
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Underfunded Environmental Initiative Successfully Reclassifies Toxic Spill as ‘Interactive Wildlife Experience’
RIVERFORD, PA—In a breakthrough officials hailed as “a milestone for public engagement and vocabulary,” the underfunded Riverford Environmental Initiative on Tuesday announced that last week’s petrochemical release into the Brindle Creek has been successfully reclassified as an Interactive Wildlife Experience, converting what residents described as “a shimmering wall of dizziness” into an innovative, hands-on eco-attraction…
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