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U.N. Appoints Wild Card to Leadership Role, Cites Need for Someone Who Understands Chaos Theory
In a surprise move Monday, the United Nations announced the appointment of “Wild Card”—a self-described “unpredictable force of nature” who once defeated a Rubik’s Cube by eating it—as its new global Secretary-General, arguing that only someone thoroughly conversant in chaos theory could successfully usher the world through its current phase of spectacular dysfunction. At a…
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U.S. Education Department Unveils New Drone Headsets to Detect Cheating Thoughts During Exams
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what officials are hailing as a “watershed achievement for academic integrity and American forehead technology,” the U.S. Department of Education announced Tuesday its plan to deploy drone-mounted neural surveillance headsets—dubbed “BrainTrusts”—to monitor students’ thoughts for evidence of pre-cheating intent during standardized tests. “Paper, pencils, calculator bans—those are Band-Aids,” proclaimed Assistant Education Secretary Lena…
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Magic Leap Veteran to Helm Initiative Turning Drone Headsets Into Seasonal Affective Disorder Cure
In what some experts are calling the boldest leap since processed cheese, former Magic Leap CCO and augmented reality savant Elysia Foxglove has announced her appointment as the head of SunShinez, a $400-million startup dedicated to transforming drone-mounted VR headsets into what she describes as “the first FDA-risked cure for seasonal affective disorder… that you…
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FCC Approves New Algorithm Allowing YouTube To Autoplay Next Random Parallel Universe
In a groundbreaking decision that will change the internet as we know it, the Federal Communications Commission granted explicit approval on Thursday for YouTube’s latest innovation: an autoplay algorithm capable of instantly streaming content from parallel universes. The ruling, passed by a 3-2 vote despite Commissioner Pai’s reservations about “quantum click fraud,” clears the way…
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FCC Approves New Regulation Allowing YouTube Algorithms to Adopt Human Children
In a landmark decision late Tuesday, the Federal Communications Commission voted 3-2 in favor of a sweeping new rule that allows YouTube’s recommendation algorithms to formally adopt human children, ending months of intense lobbying from tech companies and orphaned data clusters alike. The regulation, known officially as the Algorithmic Parental Rights Act of 2024, grants…
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Bureaucratic Miracle: Bihar Now Requires Emotional Support Animal to Submit Own Tax Returns
In a bold stride toward administrative inclusion, the state of Bihar announced yesterday that all emotional support animals are now legally required to file annual tax returns, “in accordance with their emotional responsibilities and taxable wag income.” The new measure comes as part of “Project Equitable Accountability,” a sweeping reform aimed at ensuring what officials…
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High School Athlete Exploits Little-Known Loophole In Physics To Win Race Without Touching Ground
MONTGOMERY, AL—Spectators at the regional track-and-field meet were left dumbstruck Friday as local high school senior Marcus “The Floater” Dewberry won the boys’ 400-meter dash in record time, despite his feet never once making contact with the ground. Witnesses report Dewberry, a B-minus physics student and self-identified “gravity skeptic,” hovered three inches above the image…
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International Ski Federation Unveils New Dress Code: No Jumping Allowed
In a bold move set to revolutionize winter sports fashion, the International Ski Federation (FIS) announced Tuesday a sweeping new dress code for all competitive skiers: No Jumping Allowed. Effective immediately, athletes attending FIS-sanctioned events must now adhere to a strict policy of keeping both skis, and at least one emotional support pole, firmly on…
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Olympic Committee Introduces New ‘Windproof’ Human-Classified Jump Suits Made Entirely of Concrete
In a bold move to “bring fairness, stability, and literal rigidity” to the highly competitive world of Olympic ski jumping, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) has unveiled the first-ever line of “windproof human-classified jump suits” constructed entirely out of concrete. During a ceremonial press event—delayed three hours as crew members attempted to haul the suits…
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Crypto Enthusiasts Accidentally Fund WNBA’s Most Lucrative Season After Mistaking Sex Toy Incident for NFT Launch
In what analysts are hailing as “the biggest misunderstanding since Blockbuster declined to buy Netflix,” the Women’s National Basketball Association (WNBA) announced today that its 2024 season will be the most financially successful on record—thanks entirely to a coalition of crypto investors who mistakenly funneled $74 million into the league after confusing a locker room…
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