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NASA Discovers Cosmic Friendship Bracelets; Astronomers Urged to Update Relationship Status with Universe
Cape Canaveral, FL – NASA officials confirmed this morning the discovery of what are being described as ‘cosmic friendship bracelets’ in a low-orbit quadrant near the constellation Lyra, sending ripples of cautious excitement throughout the global astronomical community. The multicolored bands, appearing in symmetrical pairs and adorned with what researchers speculate to be encoded bead…
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Lawmakers Celebrate First Bipartisan Agreement in Years: The Merits of a Long Nap During Government Shutdown
Washington, DC – Congressional lawmakers from both parties achieved a rare moment of unity this week, issuing a joint statement affirming the benefits of taking an extended nap during the ongoing government shutdown. The accord, described by one analyst as “historic in its lethargy,” marks the first cross-aisle consensus recorded since 2019, according to Congressional…
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Senate Leader Vows to Resolve Crisis by Asking Invisible Democratic Fairy Godmother for Help
Washington, D.C. – Senate Majority Leader Calvin V. Renfroe announced Tuesday afternoon that he is “prepared to take decisive action” by formally reaching out to the chamber’s long-rumored Invisible Democratic Fairy Godmother in a bid to resolve the deepening national crisis over the fiscal budget impasse. Renfroe, speaking to a sparse crowd of reporters outside…
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Professional Wrestler Announces New Record for Quietest Silence Broken After Grappling with Own Mortality
Greensboro, NC – In a subdued ceremony attended by several dozen fans, veteran professional wrestler Tommy “The Sledgehammer” Dugan quietly announced that he has broken the world record for Quietest Silence Broken, following what organizers described as a nearly undetectable moment of reflection during which he grappled with his own mortality. Witnesses confirm that the…
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Nation Celebrates as Nepotism Finally Achieves Meritocratic Status with Synchronised Bureaucrat Batch Assignments
Washington, D.C. – In a landmark announcement this morning from the steps of the renamed Department of Equal Outcomes, President Madison P. Maxwell applauded the National Office of Appointments for elevating nepotism to official meritocratic status. The move comes after a five-year bipartisan study determined that synchronized bureaucrat batch assignments, when distributed among interrelated applicants,…
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New AI Video App Promptly Invents 17 Genres of Existential Dread Cinema, Critics Hail It as ‘Accidentally Avant-Garde’
Los Angeles, CA – A new artificial intelligence-powered video creation app, CineMinima, has inadvertently invented 17 previously unclassified genres of existential dread cinema, according to an enthusiastic early assessment by the American Federation of Film Critics (AFFC). The announcement has been described by industry insiders as “a watershed moment for movies seeking to alienate and…
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Political Circus Hits New Low as Lawmakers Hold Emergency Meeting to Discuss Offensive Hat Accessories
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move at the height of bipartisan tensions, Congress convened a rare midnight session Tuesday to address what lawmakers described as a “rapidly escalating crisis” involving the proliferation of offensive hat accessories within political spaces. Shunning debates on the federal budget and health care reform, the House and Senate chambers…
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Political Clown Circus Hits New Low as Congress Debates Cultural Sensitivity of Pie-in-the-Face Gags
Washington, D.C. – The 118th Congress reached a historic moment of introspection this week as legislators took the floor to debate the cultural sensitivity of the classic pie-in-the-face gag, long a staple of American comedic tradition. The session, which surpassed seven hours before adjourning for a ceremonial banana slip demonstration, was described by House Majority…
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Trump’s ‘Origami Lion’ Remark on Russia Sparks International Demand for Paper Folding Tutorials
Washington, D.C. – In a move that has captivated both international politics and the world of fine arts, former President Donald Trump’s recent reference to a “majestic origami lion” as a metaphor for Russian resilience has precipitated a global surge in demand for paper folding tutorials. Addressing a group of reporters outside Trump National Golf…
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EXCLUSIVE: King Tut’s Secret Pet Name for Cleopatra Unearthed as New Scrolls Detail Royal Dysfunction in Ancient Egypt Soap Opera
Cairo, Egypt – Archaeologists with the Pan-Egyptian Restoration Initiative announced Wednesday the discovery of an unprecedented cache of papyrus scrolls detailing the inner workings of Ancient Egypt’s most infamous royal court. According to a pre-publication embargoed summary shared with The Fraudulent Times, the scrolls contain reference to a long-rumored pet name King Tutankhamun used for…
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